The Maito Gai Fanfiction Series
by SSJ2 PikaFlash
Summary: The MGFFS finale: Gai pretends to be a lawyer, Choji eats corpses in a parody of Lost, Neji gets thrown out of a window, Kakashi is a submarine captain, Ino is a chainsaw wielding maniac, and NaruHina are having a date when Naruto gets struck by a kunai.
1. Episode 1

**The Maito Gai Fanfiction Series **

**_(Pilot/Episode 01)_**_ depending on readers like you_.

_By PikaFlash _

Disclaimers: As usual, all characters, scenes, songs, ideas and famous speeches belong to their respective owners.

**What Pre-Readers say about this fanfic:**

_"Am I missing something here?" - Pre-Reader A _

_"Can you give me the money you owe me for pre-reading this fanfic?" - Pre-Reader B _

_"What were the lottery numbers again?" - Pre-Reader C _

**Summary:** Felt that the Anime has too many fillers? Wish there were more laughs from Gai? A chance that there could be car chases in the Dub? Well, this fanfic is good for you and you can read it during any dubbed episode. _(You know what, that's how we want you to read this fanfic.)_ Though it doesn't have any car chases in it though. I don't even know why I brought it up in the first place.

* * *

**Gai's Game Show Segment **

Neji, Lee and Tenten were holding buzzers with Gai holding the question cards.

"Welcome to Maito Gai's Game Show Segment! My contestants today are the best students I have ever taught! Hope you all win!"

Gai shows the first question. "Who am I? I suffered a head injury in an accident and lost my memory. I've been wondering the streets for the last few hours, disoriented and confused. I have no idea who I am. If you can identify me, please contact ANBU immediately."

Gai looked up. "Hope it won't happen to any of you."

* * *

Gai walked up to his house. Before getting into the door, he removed his sandals and placed the sandals at the entrance and walked in. 

"Oh, before I forget."

Gai took out a remote with a set of keys and pressed a button. The sandals had a red flash followed by a couple of beeps.

As soon as Gai entered his house, Kakashi arrived at the front door to steal Gai's sandals. As soon as Kakashi placed his hand on Gai's sandals, the sandals gave off a loud alarm, scaring Kakashi off.

* * *

**Gai's Game Show Segment **

Lee slams on a buzzer a little bit too hard, destroying it.

"The answer is a Pikachu!" answered Lee.

"Well done, Lee! You win!" said Gai.

A bell rings.

"Oh no!" Gai screamed. "All of you get out before the fire spreads!"

The three contestants gave a confused look at Gai and looked around. There is no fire on the set.

Gai looked down in embarassment. "Sorry, thought it was a fire."

* * *

Naruto was waiting for his ramen when waitress Tenten appeared with a green bodysuit. 

"Excuse me sir, did you order a green medium-sized Maito-Brand bodysuit?" asked the waitress.

Naruto shakes his head. "No, I ordered for my usual ramen. Where is it?"

* * *

"Lee! Your new green medium-sized Maito-Brand bodysuit is finally here!" said Gai as he opened a box and took out a bowl of ramen and gave the ramen to a confused Lee.

* * *

**An Important Announcement **

Naruto was walking to his usual spot at the ramen shop when he meets up with Gai.

"I have some bad news, Naruto," said Gai. "The world has run out of ramen."

Naruto was shocked. "What! How did that happen?"

"All of the ramen have been eaten to extinction by a pack of Pikachus," Gai explained.

"I knew we should have listened to those Digimons!" cried Naruto, knowing that he will never see another bowl of Ramen again...

_**Do not suffer the same heartbreak like young Uzumaki Naruto. **_

**Eat Pikachus. **

* * *

Neji and Tenten were having a drink. 

"It was fun that you decided to get me the PS2 for my Birthday. I've been playing 'Narultimate Hero 2' all night and

I've unlocked all the characters."

Neji was slowly pushed to a corner as Tenten continue to ramble.

"And the best character I've played is the one who can summon weapons from scrolls. You should play it too. There's a character in the game who fights just like you do..."

**A few minutes later **

"And did I mention that I played Dynasty Warriors and Samurai Warriors? If I didn't, then maybe..."

Neji sees a fish tank and points over Tenten's shoulder. "Is that Gai-Sensei over there?"

Tenten looked away. "No, that's Naruto in Sensei's bodysuit." Neji quickly opens the fish tank and pressed a red button.

* * *

Outside, Kakashi suddenly recieves a message. Looks like Kakashi to the rescue.

* * *

At that instant, Neji spots Kakashi behind Tenten, awkwardly close to Tenten. 

"My favourite move is..." Tenten stopped and spots Kakashi sniffing her left shoulder.

"What are you doing?" asked Tenten.

Kakashi looked at Tenten and smiled. "Oh, just sniffing your lovely shoulders."

That gave Tenten a very awkward feeling. "I think I'd go now," said Tenten, leaving Neji with Kakashi.

"Thank you, Kakashi-sensei," said Neji.

Kakashi sniffed both of Neji's shoulders, giving Neji the same awkward feeling Tenten had.

"I think I'd better go now too."

* * *

Lee, Neji, Naruto, Shikamaru, Chouji, Kiba and Shino were in a classroom when Tsunade walked in. 

"Gentlemen, welcome to the Manditory Training Course, called 'How to Treat Women Well'..."

Neji was surprised. "Wait a minute. Tenten told me that this was meant to be a self-improving course."

Naruto was also confused. "Huh? I thought Hinata told me that this is a course on 'How to become a Hokage'?"

"Shizune, plan B!" yelled Tsunade.

Shizune entered the classroom and locked the only door out.

"You will learn how to treat women well or I will crush you like this chalk," warned Tsunade as she easily crushed the chalk she was holding into powder. That gave the males in the room a good reason not to protest.

Tsunade writes on the blackboard. "Now, starting with shopping..."

* * *

Sakura, Gai, Lee, Neji and Tenten were doing surgery on a paitent (Naruto) when Gai suddenly recieves a message. 

"Look, sorry but I'm afraid that I have to go," said Gai.

"Why?" asked Sakura.

"I just remembered that I have to go and challenge Kakashi to another match and I don't want to be late," explained Gai. "Sorry, but you have been doing a great job."

Gai leaves the operating room. Sakura wasn't pleased on the loss of Gai. "It's like he's married to Kakashi-sensei." Sakura pulls off the life support mask, causing Naruto struggle for his life before the heart rate reaches the flatline.

* * *

Gai, Lee, Tenten and Neji were hiding in some bushes. Lee looked over a distance and sees something suspicious. "There's something out there. What is it, Neji?" 

Neji used his Byakugan ability to get a better look at the object. "It's a signpost."

"Aha! I found it first!" exclaimed Lee. "I knew it was a signpost."

"Damn, how did you get to good at this game?" asked Tenten.

Tenten spots a fox running into a cave. "I saw a fox! Two more points and I'll win."

"What's my score?" asked Gai.

Neji looked at a scorecard. "Zero."

"Really? What am I looking for?"

"A racoon," replied Neji.

"That's quite hard to find," said Gai. "But I will not lose to Kakashi's team at this game of _'I Spy'_!"

* * *

Naruto was in the Laundromat as he takes out his clean clothes from the dryer. Then, he notices something missing in the dryer. 

"No!" screamed Naruto. "My forehead protector is missing!"

_Every year, thousands of forehead protectors go missing. _

* * *

Naruto was sticking up **'Missing forehead protector'** signs all around Konoha.

* * *

_"That's where the Lost Forehead Protector Home comes in, where we help find lost forehead protectors." _

Lee leads Naruto through a row of cages, with various lost forehead protector from different villages in each cage and Naruto finally finds the forehead protector given to him by his sensei. Naruto hugs the forehead protector as if it was a lost pet.

_"This forehead protector is lucky. Some...unfortunately, aren't so lucky." _

Tenten sadly pats a Hidden Sand forehead protector. Knowing that the job must be done, Tenten takes out a sword and stabs the forehead protector, putting it to 'sleep'.

* * *

**The Lost Forehead Protectors Home **

_'The Lost Forehead Protectors Home, please make donations to Maito Gai. Money, not forehead protectors. Heck, we have tons of those already!' _

* * *

Gai, Lee, Neji, Tenten were having dinner at the newest restaurant that has been introduced to Konoha, McAnimes. Gai looks at the bill. 

"Alright, here's the deal. I've been calculating on how to pay it. And the result is that each of us have to fork up 10000 Yen and that's leaving a very generous tip."

Tenten raised her hand. "But I didn't have desert and Lee took mine."

"Yeah, shouldn't Lee fork out most of the cash?" said Neji. "He had eaten the most."

"But Gai-Sensei," said Lee. "You also have eaten as much as me."

Gai quickly stopped the argument. "Alright, alright! I'll handle it. Hey, waitress!"

Waitress Sakura walked to the table. "Ok, are you ready to pay the bill?" asked Sakura.

"Ahem...is it possible to split the bill?" asked Gai.

Sakura looks at the bill. "I'm sorry, but I can't do that."

"Alright, then, get your manager, Kakashi. Tell him to come here and we'll settle it."

Sakura walks off to get Kakashi. Gai looked left and right. "Alright, my students, let's leg it!"

Everyone ran off. Sakura returned to the table.

"Damn it!" cursed Sakura before smashing the table.

* * *

Gai, Tenten and Lee were setting up their next strategy against Team Kakashi. 

"Now, when Neji attacks from center, Tenten will attack from the left and Lee will attack from the right. That way, we'll definitely win this round."

Suddenly, Neji appeared in a red Santa suit.

"Neji! I said _'Center'_! Not _'Santa'_!"

* * *

Gai was sitting on a chair. 

"This next one is not one of those _'Neji and Tenten sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G'_...it's just Neji and Tenten in a bank trying to cash a check."

* * *

At a bank, Neji has finished a transaction with a customer. 

"Next."

Tenten walks to the counter.

"Can I help you?" asked Neji.

The camera does a close up on Tenten.

"Yes, can you cash in this check by today? I'm in a bit of a bind."

Neji looks at the check. "Today? That could be a problem," said Neji.

"I know, but if I don't cash in this cheque today..."

The camera faces Tenten from behind.

"...my electricity will be cut off," explained Tenten.

"And you do not have any other funds to draw from," said Neji.

The camera does a close up on Tenten's face.

"Yes, my other accounts are empty. But you do reconise me."

The camera faces Tenten from behind again.

"I do have some Identification if you want..."

"Excuse me, but are you a ventriloquist?" asked Neji.

The camera views Tenten's confused look.

"What do you mean?" asked Tenten.

"Not now, but I just saw you talk out of sync earlier," said Neji.

The camera changes view to Tenten from behind. She's not pleased with the service.

"Look, are you going to cash this check or not? Otherwise my electricity will be cut off and..."

Neji points at Tenten. "There, you did it again."

The camera does a close up on Tenten's face.

"Did what again?" asked a confused Tenten.

"Ok, say what you said earlier, but the camera must not do a close up on your face."

The camera faces Tenten from behind again.

"Are you going to cash this check or not? Otherwise I'll be happy to take my business elsewhere," said Tenten.

Neji makes the connection. "I get it, you're being dubbed."

The camera does a close up on Tenten's face.

"What do you mean?" asked Tenten.

Neji points at the camera behind Tenten. "Alright, look at the camera behind you and say what you said earlier."

Tenten turns around and looks at the camera that was behind her.

"Are you going to cash this check in or not..."

Tenten stopped and realised that her words were out of sync with her mouth.

"You're right," said Tenten. "Someone is dubbing me."


	2. Episode 2

_"Previously on the Maito Gai Fanfiction Series..." _

Naruto was in the Konoha Convenience Store when he spots something out of the ordinary. Instant Ramen in the Pasta section. He quickly takes the ramen to the casher.

"Excuse me, but do you know that Instant Ramen is not a pasta?"

The casher, Hinata, was surprised. "Oh, I didn't know that. But I can't really do anything about it."

"Yes you can," said Naruto. "After all, Pasta is Italian and Instant Ramen is Japanese"

"Wow, I think I can say that I've learnt something today."

"Good. I got my eye on you," said Naruto, before leaving.

* * *

Rock Lee was interviewing the _'public'_ over the _'Ramen is not a pasta'_ debate. 

"Is ramen a pasta or a noodle?"

Chouji: "Ramen is noodle, of course..."

Ino: "Ramen is Japanese, not Italian."

Naruto: "Ramen is not a pasta. Period!"

**The Debate Continues. **

A week later, Naruto was in the Pasta section of the Konoha Convenience Store, only to check that the Instant Ramen is back in the Pasta section. Naruto angrily takes the ramen back to Casher Hinata.

"Excuse me, but it's been a week and the Instant Ramen is still in the Pasta section. Why?"

"Well." Hinata looks around and whispers to Naruto. "I can't say much, but there are much bigger fish that you and I..."

"But we're not talking about fish. We're talking about Ramen," said the ignorant Naruto. "If you had listened to me, you would have been a manager."

"I know, but..." Hinata points at the surveillance camera behind Naruto. "They're watching us."

Naruto looks at the surveillance camera. "Instant Ramen is not a Pasta, you bastards!"

* * *

**The Maito Gai Fanfiction Series **

**_(Episode 02: A Very Maito Gai Christmas Special) _**

_By PikaFlash _

Disclaimers: As usual, all characters, scenes, songs, ideas and famous speeches belong to their respective owners.

* * *

What Pre-Readers say about this fanfic: 

"Am I missing something here?" - Pre-Reader A

"Can you give me the money you owe me for pre-reading this fanfic?" - Pre-Reader B

"What were the lottery numbers again?" - Pre-Reader C

* * *

**Summary:** Hyuuga Inheritance has never been so easy to select a successor. Lee's Alter-Ego shows how simple things can be done, Maito Gai style. And the _'Ramen is not a Pasta'_ debate continues. Oh, and don't forget that it's also has a Christmas special somewhere in it.

* * *

**Hyuuga Inheritance 1 **

Neji and Hinata were in a room where the Hyuuga Inheritance is being read out by Gai, the impartial and neutral **'lawyer'**.

"Now, it has already been decided that Hinata will be the head of the clan. However, we have a new issue involving the inheritance of your Grandfather's home. And this is how you two will decide on how to inherit the home."

Gai opens a letter.

"A Yu-Gi-Oh card battle."

* * *

Hinata and Neji put on the Yu-Gi-Oh Duel Disks and inserted their cards into the device, starting the duel.

* * *

Neji was having a drink of water after a hard day's worth of training when Tenten walked up to Neji. 

"Neji, I have something very, very difficult to tell you..."

Neji looked up at Tenten. "What is it, Tenten?"

Tenten whispered into Neji's ear. "The square root of 1 thousand, 2 hundred and eighteen is not a whole number."

Neji nods. "I understand."

* * *

**Things that the dumbest Ninja shouldn't do. Number 37: Trying to catch a giant weight thrown by your partner **

Neji's body was crushed under a very heavy steel ball summoned by Tenten.

* * *

**Hyuuga Inheritance 2 **

The _'Lawyer'_, Gai, looks at the result. It was a draw.

"Since the card battle was a draw, we will use another method of deciding the inheritance," said Gai. He takes out another letter and opens it.

"It will be decided on a Pokémon Battle."

* * *

Neji and Hinata were throwing Pokéballs while dodging at the same time. The last person standing would inherit the home.

* * *

Gai and Neji walked past the Ramen shop where Lee was telling his recent mission to Tenten. 

"I hope I'm not boring you, Tenten," said Lee.

"Actually, you are."

"Whatever, and this one time, I used a pair of nunchakus to beat up..."

_'Oh gawd, I got to get out of here...'_ thought Tenten. She quickly presses a red button under the table.

* * *

Kakashi was reading the latest issue of his favorite Icha Icha series when he receives the call for help.

* * *

Back to Lee and Tenten, Lee was continuing his boring story. 

"And just when I was about to finish him off..."

Kakashi was right behind Lee. Lee turns around and looked up at Kakashi.

"Yes?"

"Would you like to see my collection of fishes?"

Kakashi takes out a fish wearing a purple wig. "This is my Yugi-fish. When the time is right, he will cry _'Fish-Oh!'_ to become Yami-Fish."

Lee was starting to feel awkward with this masked ninja suddenly appearing with a wig-wearing fish, so he decided to take his leave. "Well, it's nice meeting you, Tenten." Lee runs off.

"Thank you, Kakashi-sensei."

Kakashi smiled. "No problem. Want to say hi to my favorite character from 'Fish-oh'?"

Now, Tenten is having the same awkward feeling Lee had before he ran off. "That reminds me, I have something to do..."

Tenten runs off.

* * *

**An announcement from your friendly neighborhood Konoha Fanfiction Censors **

Kakashi was at the podium.

"It has come to my attention that two offensive words have been regularly used in the world of fanfiction. These two words have been causing the world of fanfiction to crumble down in the most horrible way ever known to Anime Characters. As of today, I will reveal the list of respectable replacement words that will replace the offensive words that is known as _'Maito Gai'_. And here is the list:"

"_Dumb-ass. Jerk-aholic. ShinyShiny Head. NoSense of HairStyle. Fist-for-Brains. Green Day. Bruce. FuzzyEyeBrows the First. Suit of Green. Vegeta the Green. Where's my Forehead Protector? Secondary Character. Enter the Green. Fist of Green. Return of the Green. Game of Green. HitmonGreen._ And finally, _A Mighty Guy_."

* * *

One day, young mild mannered martial artist, Rock Lee was finding ways to make his weights heavier through the use of hard work and the power of youth, when lightning struck, causing a major explosion. 

**BOOM! **

From the charred remains, a figure in green appeared.

"Fuzzy Eyebrows...need for hair shine...must wear green..."

A new superhero is what the village of Konoha needs...

**GAIMAN! **

"The Youth of today will prevail!"

**_(Special FX: Ting from the teeth and shine from the hair.) _**

**Today's GaiMan Episode: How to get a cat out of a tree **

Sakura was under a tree.

"Damn you, Kiba and Akamaru!" Sakura screamed. "Now my cat is stuck up the tree!"

GaiMan happens to be walking along nearby and Sakura sees him.

"GaiMan, I need your help!"

"What is it, Miss?" asked GaiMan.

"A couple of idiots chased my cat up the tree and I want you to bring it down," said Sakura.

GaiMan does his Special FX with the Ting from his teeth and the thumbs up. "No problem!"

GaiMan took out one of the weights on his legs and throws it at the cat.

_(Author's Note: Here's where the cat has two Choices. _

_Choice A: The cat jumps off the tree without a single scratch. _

_Choice B: The cat dies from getting hit by GaiMan's weights. ) _

_(Sound FX: Splat!) _

_(Author's Note: Maybe the cat should have chosen Choice A.) _

Sakura screamed and GaiMan smiled. "Hope you love Cat for dinner," said GaiMan before giving his trademark _(Special FX: Ting!)_ and thumbs up, followed by a furious Sakura blowing out flames from her mouth. _(Special FX: Flames from Sakura's Mouth)_

_(Author's Note: Ok, we've over exaggerated the furious Sakura part, but what's the fun of not using the Special FX brackets/parenthesis and SFX uses we have specially for this fanfic scene.) _

* * *

Gai was writing a letter on a scroll to the Fanfiction Author. 

"Dear Fanfiction Author,"

"I was recently offended in the use of offensive words like _'Enter the Green'_, _'Fist of Green'_, and _'Game of Green'_. I did not fight in 13 Shinobi Wars just to have my insides twisted inside out. Some people, like you, have a lack of courtesy for people who have been called _'Suit of Green'_, _'ShinyShiny Head'_ and _'Where's my Forehead Protector?' _I demand the respect I deserved or I'll never read another fanfiction story ever again!"

"From _A Mighty Guy_."

"P.S: I really like that fanfic scene about the square root of 1 thousand, 2 hundred and eighteen."

* * *

Naruto enters the Konoha Convenience Store Pasta section and carried the entire stock of Instant Ramen to the Noodle Section.

* * *

Meanwhile, Kiba and Shino were watching Naruto on the surveillance camera. 

"He's taking the Instant Ramen to the Noodle section," said Shino.

Kiba takes a closer look at the screen. "Are those stickers?"

Shino watched Naruto. Then he said, "We'd better get rid of him before he ruins everything, Get **'the'** Guy."

* * *

In the Noodle section, Naruto stuck stickers on the Instant Ramen containers, reading, 'Instant Ramen is a Noodle, not a Pasta.' Kiba and Gai walked to Naruto and picked Naruto up to throw him out of the store. 

"Alright, time to go," said Kiba.

"But you can't take me away! You can't silence me from telling the world that Instant Ramen is not a Pasta!"

As Naruto was being led out, he gave his final words to Hinata. "Hinata! Defend what I have been trying to do!

You must tell the world that Instant Ramen is not a Pasta!"

Hinata was in tears. "But I do not know your name," said Hinata.

"Uzumaki Naruto!" Naruto answered back.

"I love you, Naruto-kun!"

* * *

**A message from the _'Ramen is not a Pasta'_ Department of the Hokage's office. **

"Ramen is not a pasta. It belongs to the Noodle section of your local supermarket."

**Spoken by Uzumaki Naruto **

* * *

**The Maito Gai Christmas Show! **

_(A/N: Hey, it wouldn't be Christmas Themed if we didn't have something to do with Christmas.) _

Gai was sitting on a chair holding a book.

"Good evening, people watching me! I am Maito Gai, greatest teacher and Jounin. I am going to be your Santa Claus for the evening because Christmas is around the corner and I'd better get started for my paycheck!"

"And I'd be stupid to believe that flying mammals would fly over people's houses just to drop presents off, let alone having something that I do not trust or not seen before on this side of the world by flying from the other side."

"And if some damn fat guy in a red suit enters my house, I will make him run around 500 laps like dog until he slims down!" Gai looks around. "Sorry," he apologized. "But anyway, if you people keep on feeding him cookies and milk, it's no wonder the guy stays fat! I'd bet he'd be sick of eating the same thing over and over in other people's houses. Not that I'd be sick of anything that has good taste. And I like to keep my firm shape."

* * *

Hinata and Tenten were lying down in a flower field. "Hinata, I got something very, very difficult to tell you." 

Hinata looks at Tenten. "What is it?"

"I think your cousin, Neji, is HOT!"

Hinata gave a strange looks at Tenten, before slowly walking away.

* * *

At the usual training spot where Team Gai would train, Gai presents his students their presents. 

_(A/N: Yeah, I found that confusing too.) _

"My students, to celebrate this holiday season and the New Year, you will receive gifts from yours truly!"

'I hope that it's something better than last year's lame present,' thought Neji.

'I hope it's what I really asked for instead of what sensei thinks I want,' thought Tenten.

'I hope Gai-Sensei would give me something better than last year's great present,' thought Lee.

Tenten and Neji opened theirs to get the standard Maito Gai outfit, while Lee got himself a box full of Instant Ramen.

"Gai-Sensei! What a wonderful present!" yelled a delighted Lee, although, Neji and Tenten were not as delighted.

* * *

**Things that the dumbest Ninja shouldn't do. Number 26: Eating a Surfboard **

Gai was sitting in front of a TV set with a half-eaten surfboard. He could barely swallow the bites he took from the surfboard.

"That's the last time that I bet with Kakashi over who's going to eat a surfboard."

* * *

**Final Scene **

Naruto was leading a protest rally outside the Konoha Convenience store with Hinata, Neji, Tenten, Lee, Gai, Sakura, Kiba, Chouji, Ino, Shikamaru, Asuma, Kurenai, Shino and Kakashi.

"What do we want!"

"To tell the world that 'Instant Ramen is not a Pasta!'" chanted the protesters.

Gai was being interviewed. "It's time that we, the little people, must not be trampled by the big companies!"

"I agree," said Kakashi. "Instant Ramen must be placed in the Noodle section, not the Pasta section. Just put the ramen back to where they belong."

**_(The series continues in 2006. See you next year!) _**


	3. Episode 3

**_Previously on the Maito Gai Fanfiction Series: _**

**An Important Announcement **

Naruto was walking to his usual spot at the ramen shop when he meets up with Gai.

"I have some bad news, Naruto," said Gai. "The world has run out of ramen."

Naruto was shocked. "What! How did that happen?"

"All of the ramen have been eaten to extinction by a pack of Pikachus," Gai explained.

"I knew we should have listened to those Digimons!" cried Naruto, knowing that he will never see another bowl of Ramen again...

_Do not suffer the same heartbreak like young Uzumaki Naruto. _

**Eat Pikachus. **

* * *

Naruto was on a set. "Hello readers. I'm Uzumaki Naruto. As you saw in the last scene, I played a young ninja who has lost his will to live since the world has ran out of Ramen. But because fans of the Pokémon series are offended, we decide to do the same scene, with Digimons."

* * *

**An Important Announcement by the Coalition of the Pokémons **

Lee was walking to his usual spot at the Curry shop when he meets up with Gai.

"I have some bad news, Lee," said Gai. "The world has run out of curry."

Lee was shocked. "What! How did that happen?"

"All of the curry have been eaten to extinction by an army of Digimons," Gai explained.

"I knew we should have listened to those Pokémons!" cried Lee, knowing that he will never see another bowl of Curry again...

_Do not suffer the same heartbreak like young Rock Lee. _

**Kill Digimons by Invading the Digi-World. **

* * *

**The Maito Gai Fanfiction Series **

**_(Episode 03) _**

_By PikaFlash _

Disclaimers: As usual, all characters, scenes, songs, ideas and famous speeches belong to their respective owners.

* * *

**The Future 6th Hokage's Endorsement for The Maito Gai Fanfiction Series: **

**Not available due to large load of paperwork, chasing after Sasuke and training. **

**The Future 6th Hokage (also known as Naruto Uzumaki) **

* * *

Summary: Sailor Moon is an Alcoholic? Neji and Tenten have their own cooking show? How many more questions does this summary need?

* * *

At the Konoha Alcoholics Anonymous in the Konoha Administration building, Tsunade had finished with the first few words that welcomed the alcoholics. "And who would like to start first?" asked Tsunade. 

Lee stood up from his chair. "Hello, I'm Rock Lee and I'm an alcoholic."

Tenten enters the room. "Excuse me, but I heard that this is Alcoholics Anonymous."

Tsunade looks at Tenten. "Yes, you're joining us?"

Tenten shakes her head. "No, but if this is supposed to be Alcoholics Anonymous, then why did Lee tell everyone in the room who he is?"

"It was only an introduction," said Lee.

"I know, but what will happen if someone like Sailor Moon has a drinking problem?"

"As if that would happen," mumbled Lee.

"But Lee, what will happen if Sailor Moon is drunk, goes to Alcoholics Anonymous and says, 'Hello, my name is Tsukino Usagi and I'm an alcoholic.' Once you know who she is, when you all get drunk, everyone will eventually know who her real identity is! After that, Sailor Moon can't protect us anymore. For example..." Tenten quickly pretends to be drunk and leans on Lee. "My good friend, Sailor Moon is Tsukino Usagi."

"Well...I'm sure we can keep that in mind with the others who come by," said Tsunade.

"Good, but I'm keeping my eye on you, Rock Lee," said Tenten, before leaving the room.

* * *

**Things that the dumbest Ninja shouldn't do. Number 51: Never jump off a building angering Tsunade **

A crater in the shape of Naruto was found on the ground outside the Hokage's office.

* * *

Tenten enters a Ninja Equipment Store, with Naruto as the shop keeper. 

"I'm here to collect 50 kunais, 100 shurikens, 10 kusarigamas, 1 samurai sword, 3 bo staffs, a pair of tonfas, some nanchakus and a Ninja Turtle toy.

"Give me a few minutes to look for the stuff." Naruto walks to the back room to search for the items. Three minutes later, Naruto returns with a bowl of Instant Ramen. "This is what you're asking for, right?"

* * *

The Chuunins and Jounins were doing office work when Gai was about to leave the office. 

"I'm going out to get a drink," said Gai. "Anyone wants coffee or tea?"

"Tea, please!"

"Tea!"

"Coffee!"

"Tea!"

"Coffee!"

"Tea!"

"Coffee!"

"No!"

"Tea!"

"Coffee"

"Tea!"

"No!"

"Ok, milk?" asked Gai.

"Yes!"

"No!"

"No!"

"No!"

"Yes, please!"

"No!"

"Yep!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yep!"

"Ok, sugar?" asked Gai.

"No!"

"Two!"

"One!"

"No!"

"One and a half!"

"Two!"

"Yes!"

"Half!"

"No!"

"Two!"

"One and a half!"

"One!"

"Alrighty then," said Gai, leaving the office. Half a minute later, Gai reenters the office while drinking a cup of coffee. Everyone looks at Gai, wondering why he didn't bring them their drinks.

"Sorry, I forgot."

* * *

**Neji and Tenten's Cooking Show **

Neji and Tenten were in a kitchen in front of a studio audience.

"Welcome to Neji and Tenten's cooking show," said Tenten. "Tonight, we will show you why cutting vegetables affect emotions."

"That is correct." Neji takes out an onion. "Now, as you know, cutting onions will make people cry. However, cutting green capsicums will make people stare into thin air and remember things. For example..."

Neji begins cutting up the green capsicum, only to stop and reminisce about his past.

Tenten taps on Neji's shoulder. "Neji?"

Neji snaps back into reality. "Now, to get some stuff from the drawer."

Neji and Tenten began searching the kitchen drawer. Tenten takes out a pair of scissors and Neji takes out a rock.

Neji smiled. "I win."

"Damn."

Neji takes up a cup of Sake hidden behind a cutout of a cup of tea, while Tenten takes out a bottle of Sake, hidden behind a cutout of a bottle of Sake. "Not very original in hiding our drinks," said Neji. "But then again, is it even real sake?"

"Should we call Lee?" asked Tenten.

Neji disagrees. "I got an even better idea. Hey Stagehand! Get Hinata."

The stagehand leaves the studio.

"What happens if what Hinata drinks is not sake but poison?" asked Tenten.

Neji looked at Tenten. "Now that you mention it...I haven't really thought of that."

* * *

**Things that the dumbest Ninja shouldn't do. Number 92: Trying to practice Taijutsu in a swarm of Destruction Bugs **

Lee was trying to practice Taijutsu while Shino attacks Lee with his bugs. No amount of Taijutsu would save Lee from having the swarm covering our unfortunate green hero.

* * *

**Konoha Alcoholics Anonymous **

"Ok, and who's next?" asked Tsunade.

Sailor Moon stood up in her Sailor Senshi uniform. "Hello, my name is Tsukino Usagi and I'm an alcoholic."

Then, Tenten removes her blonde wig and tiara.

"There, I told you that it could happen," said Tenten, before walking away.

* * *

_(Narrator: The __village__ of __Konoha__ has discovered the best detection methods of the PokéRus Disease...) _

Tsunade was pacing around in front of Naruto, Neji, Tenten and Lee.

"Pika..." started Tsunade.

" Chu!" finished Naruto, only for Tsunade to pull Naruto away by the ear.

* * *

Chouji walked into an office and Tenten greets him. 

"Ah, you must be the Fat-O-Gram," said Tenten.

Chouji shakes his head. "No, I'm the PR relations consultant."

Tenten realized her mistake. "Oh. Give me a minute."

An embarrassed Tenten walked out of the office, down a flight of stairs into a store room, and decides to hide out inside there.

* * *

Gai and Kakashi were hiding behind some bushes. 

"Now, all we need is for someone to go first to check out for any traps," said Kakashi. Kakashi looks at Gai.

"We play for it?" asked Gai.

Kakashi nods.

"Ok...on the count of three..."

Kakashi and Gai put their hands into their weapon pouches.

"Three!"

Gai takes out two kunais while Kakashi takes out a small rock.

"Rock beats two Kunais. I win."

* * *

**Gameshow Segment **

Gai was at the Gameshow Segment stand. "Welcome back to 'Non Sequitur Family Feud', where the Hyuuga Family is at 90 points."

The Hyuuga family consists of the Husband (Neji), Wife (Tenten), Cousin (Hinata) and Lee (fairly obvious).

"For Round 2, what are the ten most infrequent quotes you would hear in a Naruto Episode?"

The Hyuuga family were discussing what the answers are.

"Neji?"

Neji gives his answers. "Fallopian tubes, sewing machine, Lewis Caroll, Street Directories, Law, I like Digimon, Atlantis, Inuyasha, 1845, PokéBalls!"

Gai listen to the answers. "Hmmm, I'm not sure about that. Excuse me." Gai walks to a phone and makes a call. "Yes, I would like to book for a hair cut..."

* * *

At Dr. Neji's clinic... 

"Bring him in."

Rock Lee enters Dr. Neji's office.

"Lee...Rock Lee...I'm afraid that I have some bad news," said Neji. "Your test results have returned and I'm afraid that you have Rock Lee's Disease."

An awkward silence. Then Lee asked, "And how exactly did I get it?"

"Well, you must have caught it off someone," said Neji.

"Who?"

Neji was having trouble figuring out an answer for the question. "Give me a minute."

Neji walks out of the clinic, down a flight of stairs into a store room, where Tenten was also hiding out of embarrassment.

* * *

**Final Scene **

At Ichiraku's Ramen shop, Neji, Tenten, Naruto and Hinata were drinking water, sake and having Ramen when Kiba and Shino walked to the group.

"Mind if we join in?" asked Kiba.

"Sure," said Hinata.

Kiba and Shino took their seats while the four took a sip from their sake bottles.

"So, do you want some ramen, Shino?" asked Naruto.

"Actually, I'm vegan," answered Shino.

Everyone spat out their sake onto Shino and Kiba.

"So, what was your last mission?" asked Neji as he and the others took a sip of water.

"Well, we had to search for a stolen treasure map. But for us to do that, we had to disguise ourselves as girls." Kiba was suddenly interrupted by everyone spitting out water from their mouths in shock over what the two had to do.

"So, Naruto, what was your last mission?" asked Shino as Kiba and the others began to dig in to their Ramen.

"Well, I had to go catch an A-Rank Criminal who eats babies."

Everyone spat out various liquids from their mouths on Naruto.

Hinata looked at the table. "You know what we all need now? More ramen." At that instant, more bowls of Ramen was brought to the table.

"So, Shino, what is your next mission?" asked Hinata

"Well..." Neji quickly interrupts Shino.

"Wait." Everyone but Shino drank the soup, preparing for the next thing that will cause them to spit out the soup.

"My next mission is to be a parking inspector in the Capital," answered Shino, anticipating the spray. The others did not spit out their soup, so, Shino continued, "A female parking inspector."

Right at that moment, everyone sprayed out their soup on Shino.

"Everyone, I got something very important to tell all of you," said Tenten. "I'm pregnant."

"Wow! Who's the father?" asked Hinata as she takes a sip of Sake...

"Me," answered Neji.

At that moment, everyone sprayed out a mixture of water, Sake and ramen soup at Neji.

"And Lee's going to be the Godfather." Now it's Tenten's turn to be showered by the mixture of liquids, finishing off with Neji spitting out his sake on Tenten.

**End of Episode 3 **

* * *

_If you have any questions or complaints, go to www.maito-gai.konoha/themaitogaiseries squiggly thingy._

In a computer room, Gai was pacing around as Lee, Neji and Tenten were reading the questions and complaints.

"Gai-Sensei, a message from psychotic ninja. He wants to know how you want to die. So I sent him your home address," said Lee.

"Thanks, Lee."

Tenten sees a question for Gai. "Gai-sensei, a question from anonymous authoress. 'How big is your...'"

"4 cm."

"Engorged?"

"4 cm."

"Gai-sensei, we've got a complaint about the Fat-O-Gram sketch," said Neji. "It says that there was a _'subliminal message'_ that angers all ninjas around the world."

"Tsk. It's like they want to be offended," said Tenten.

"Hang on," said Gai. "This is one of our loyal readers who has a complaint. Let's see the sketch again."

* * *

**Fat-O-Gram Sketch **

Chouji walked into an office and Tenten greets him.

"Ah, you must be the Fat-O-Gram," said Tenten.

Suddenly, Gai appeared dressed as a Pikachu and started to sing the Pokémon Theme song.

_"I want to be, the very best, like no one ever was…" _

* * *

The group watched the sketch. "I see," said Gai. "Well, here's my reply to Mr. Orochimaru. _'Dear Mr. Orochimaru…'_" 


	4. Episode 4

Lee, Neji, Tenten were running across a field towards Kakashi, who has temporary replaced Gai by waiting for Team Gai with the food.

"Oh, sorry, I forgot my lines," said Kakashi. "You want to do it again?"

Lee, Neji and Tenten let out a groan.

* * *

**The Maito Gai Fanfiction Series **

_(Episode 04: Supposed to be a Valentines Day Release. Vincent Valentine not included.) _

_By PikaFlash _

Disclaimers: As usual, all characters, scenes, songs, ideas and famous speeches belong to their respective owners.

* * *

**A Pikachu's Endorsement for The Maito Gai Fanfiction Series: **

_Pika pika, pikachu pikachu pikapika pichi cha pikachu pikachu. __Chu__ pikapi pika pi pikachu pika ka chu pikapika pikachu pika pika pikachu chu pika pi. Pikapi pikachu pi chu ka pikachu pikapika chu pika. _

_**Pikachu **_

* * *

**Summary:** Sakura gave Sasuke some money to buy a new shirt. Sasuke instead bought a new chair. When he realized that Sakura's birthday is coming up and he didn't have enough money for a present, Sasuke had to figure out how to get Sakura a birthday present. Then he sees a dress being delivered to Ino. Sasuke quickly tells the deliveryman that he will collect Ino's dress as she is not home. Sasuke takes the opportunity to give Sakura the new dress at the party. Unfortunately, when Sakura tried the dress on, Ino arrives at the party, but before Ino could accused Sakura for stealing her dress, Sasuke slits her throat with a kunai. Blood splattered onto the dress Sakura was wearing, so Sakura beats Sasuke's head into the floor.

* * *

**I (beep)ing Dare You! **

Neji was standing outside a cave holding a microphone.

"Hi, I'm Neji Hyuuga. Sasuke Uchiha has sent us to pay a visit to his long lost brother. Unfortunately, we're not going to do it."

* * *

Gai was in an editing room. 

"Do it properly, Neji," warned Gai. "Or you're off the team."

* * *

Neji was back outside the cave holding a microphone. 

"Hi, I'm Neji Hyuuga. Sasuke Uchiha has sent us to pay a visit to his long lost brother, Itachi Uchiha. Let's go."

Neji and the camera crew entered the cave, where Itachi was torturing a Sasuke Voodoo doll and making his voice sound like Sasuke.

"I will kill you, Brother," said Itachi, imitating Sasuke's voice.

"I like to see you try," said Itachi in his regular voice.

"Itachi Uchiha, I'm Neji Hyuuga from_ 'I (beep)ing Dare You!'_ You have been selected for a special task on request of your brother."

Itachi looked at Neji. "I decline."

"But, Sasuke has also told us that while you were a kid you did..." Neji whispered into Itachi's ear.

"That is not true," said Itachi.

"Indeed. But Sasuke gave us a picture of you doing _'it'_." Neji showed the picture at Itachi. "Is that you?"

"Errr...yes," Itachi reluctantly answered.

"So, are you willing to try out a stunt specially for you?" asked Neji.

"Errr...yes!" Itachi answered with a lame _'happy face'_ look.

* * *

Enter Lee's narrating voiceover. 

_'Itachi has been taken from his hiding place to a special location in Konoha, where Itachi will paddle down the side of a building and die in a canoe, at Sasuke's request.' _

Itachi was brought to the top of a stunt building, sitting in a canoe near the edge of the building.

_'Stunt coordinator, Rock Lee is giving Itachi tips on how to die in a professional way.' _

Rock Lee was giving instructions to Itachi. "All you need to do paddle your way down. The rest is up to the _'springtime of youth'_!"

_'After that, it is time to push Itachi and the canoe off the building.' _

Neji, Tenten, Lee and Gai pushed the canoe with Itachi on it off the side of the building.

_'Unfortunately, Itachi was replaced by a Kage Bushin Kawarimi at the very last minute, not killing him in the way we expected.' _

The Kage Bushin and the canoe crashed landed straight onto the ground. Neji quickly ran to the canoe, with the kage bushin quickly replaced by a living and breathing Itachi, who was still sitting in the canoe.

"Are you still alive, Naru...I mean, Itachi?

"Errr...yeah," said Naru...he means Itachi.

Neji looks at the camera. "And now, this:"

* * *

**Superseded by a New Sign **

"And it's now time for round two."

Tenten is hosting a gameshow segment, with Neji and Naruto as the contestants.

"Now, Naruto will now go into the sound-proof chamber, where he will not hear any of my questions or any of Neji's answers. All he will be hearing will be some music out of a set of headphones in the chamber.

Naruto enters the glass chamber and puts on the headphones. "Can you hear me?" called out Tenten.

Naruto has no idea what Tenten asked, so he just gave a thumbs up.

"Ok, Neji, what do you not like about Naruto?" asked Tenten.

"Ok, my cousin has a crush on him and I don't like him."

Tenten looks at the sound-proof chamber. Then again, Naruto isn't smart enough to read lips. "I see. Anything else?"

Neji looks at Naruto. "Well, I just don't like the way he brags about defeating me during the Chunin exams."

Tenten looks at the audience. "Could you please applause? I think Naruto is getting suspicious."

The audience (consisting of free Genins and Chunins wanting free entertainment) applause, making Naruto smile, not suspecting the conversation between Tenten and Neji.

Tenten asks another question. "Anything else?"

Neji looks around. "Well, you know how Naruto has the same dressing room as Lee?"

"Yes? What about it?"

"Well, one time I was there, I saw Naruto taking out some cash out of Lee's Chunin jacket pocket."

Tenten looks at the audience once again. "Applause."

Another round of applause from the audience gave Naruto the thought that it was something good.

"So, you're saying Naruto's a thief."

"Yes, and also that he's not meant to be a main character in this fanfic."

"Ok," said Tenten. "Now, which gas would you choose to fill the chamber with?"

Neji looks at the chamber. "I'll pick the chloroform."

Tenten has a smile. "Alright. **RELEASE THE CHLOROFOAM!**"

The chloroform gas fills the sound-proof chamber, with the fumes knocking Naruto out.

* * *

Meanwhile, Rock Lee had just finished dinner at a restaurant and she was about to pay the waitress Tenten when he finds out that he didn't have his wallet. 

"I'm pretty sure I had my wallet in my car's glove compartment. I would need to get it."

"You mind if I follow you?" asked Tenten. "Because it's coming out of my pay."

"Sure."

Tenten followed Lee out of the restaurant to the car.

* * *

Outside the restaurant, Tenten and Lee walked to the car. Lee unlocks the car and checks the glove compartment. 

"Damn. I must have let the wallet with my credit cards at home. I'd better go back and get it."

"Mind if I come with you?" asked Tenten.

"Sure."

Tenten and Lee got into the car and Lee drives home.

* * *

**Lee's home **

Tenten was watching Lee, who was searching around his living room. "I'm sure I had it in here somewhere." Lee stopped searching as it was getting late.

"Well, I'd better get to sleep soon," said Lee. "Good night."

Lee switched off the living room lights and walked to his bedroom, leaving Tenten in the dark.

* * *

Lee was at the usual training area when Tenten appeared, still dressed as the waitress from the last scene. 

"Oh, I just found my credit card," said Lee, showing the credit card to the waitress.

"How much would that be?" asked Lee.

"650 Ryou."

"I'll pay 800 Ryou and you can keep the change."

"Thank you." Tenten did the payment with the card and Lee signs the receipt. "Here's your credit card, Mr. Hyuuga," said Tenten, reading the name on the credit card.

As soon as Tenten leaves, Neji taps on Lee's shoulder. "Excuse me, but you have my card."

Lee slowly turns around to see Neji with Naruto wearing a black cloak and holding a scythe.

"I'm afraid that the _'springtime of youth'_ is over for you," calmly said Neji.

* * *

Naruto was at a news desk. "We interrupt that last scene because we all know the punch line of that joke. Anyway, she's old, she stinks and she refuses to appear in this fanfic. Typical of Granny Tsunade. And Maito Gai's new album is burning up the charts faster than Sasuke using his fireball skill at the hospital." 

Suddenly, Gai appeared into the news room. "Hey Naruto, why did you interrupt my fanfic series?"

Naruto looked at Gai with a surprised look. "Really? I thought I was doing an episode of the Naruto News Show."

"Well, whatever you're doing, could you take us back to my fanfic?"

"Sure, Gai-sensei." As soon as Gai leaves, Naruto looks at the camera. "And now, this:"

* * *

**Another Gameshow Segment Sign **

Lee was standing next to Hinata at another gameshow segment.

"Well, Hinata. This is what you could win later on. Voiceover, tell her what are the prizes".

_Naruto's Voiceover: Thanks, Lee. _

* * *

A curtain opens up, revealing Tenten wearing a Hawaiian Shirt while listening to music from her boombox (or ghetto blaster) stereo system while standing in front of a background of a beach. 

_Naruto's Voiceover: Hinata, you could win a boombox, courtesy of Otogakure Records. _

* * *

The next curtain reveals Shikamaru and Ino standing in an empty above ground swimming pool having a sword fight using fake swords. 

_Naruto's Voiceover: This next prize is a new above ground swimming pool. _

* * *

The next curtain opens to reveal Kakashi was reading the latest issue from the Icha Icha series while standing in the background of a desert. 

_Naruto's Voiceover: And how's this for your beauty. A beautiful 24 carat diamond ring! _

Kakashi looks up from his book. "How did I get here?" he mumbled.

* * *

Shino and Kiba were showing off the new car...with a background of anti-Pokémon groups burning Pokémon Products, because we have run out of ideas for backgrounds to use. 

_Naruto's Voiceover: And finally, this new car. All this is yours, if the price is right! _

* * *

"Hinata, do you want to win these prizes?" asked Lee. 

"No," replied Hinata.

"No?" asked Lee, who was confused. "But everybody wants to win these prizes."

"I just wanted to be here to hear Naruto's voiceover," explained Hinata.

Hinata walked back to her audience seat.

* * *

Lee was angrily complaining to Customer Service officer Kiba at an insurance company. Lee points at a box in a storeroom. 

"You see that box there? It has my name on it!"

"But, company policy does not allow me to make such a transaction," explained Kiba.

"Why?"

"It's company policy," said Kiba.

"Then, get off your big fat ass and get your manager! It's only few feet from here!"

"Alright," said Kiba. As Kiba got off his chair, he took out some clutches and limped his way to the manager's office. Out of embarrassment, Lee walked out of the room, down a flight of stairs into a storeroom, where Tenten and Neji were hiding in the corner, also trying to forget their embarrassment moments (due to events in the previous episode)...

* * *

Sakura and Ino were sitting at a table at a restaurant. 

"Let me tell you, going to Manhattan during winter...it's really cold."

"Brrrrrr," both Sakura and Ino said in unison, imitating the shivering. "And the guy I met...he's so hot!"

"Really?"

"Yep," said Ino.

Then the waiter Neji appears, holding a bottle of wine.

"Excuse me, ladies. This is from a man named Uchiha from table 15," said Neji. Then, he changes his voice to a girly voice_. "_ _Manhattan__ in winter? That guy you met is soooooo really cold. Brrrrrr." _

Neji walks away, leaving behind a very confused Sakura and Ino.

* * *

Upstairs, Tenten and Lee was staring at a burning computer. 

"And you said that it exploded after we've received 1000 email complaints about this fanfic," said Tenten.

Lee nods.

"Ok, let us go back to the restaurant while we fix this.

* * *

Back at the restaurant down below, Neji was serving Gai his dinner. 

"Here's your sushi, your sashimi and your tsunami," said Neji as he places the food on the table.

Gai nods. Neji snaps his fingers for the tsunami and quickly leaves the room. A second later, a tsunami entered the restaurant and splashed on Gai.

* * *

Tenten was waiting in the corner when Dr. Lee left the surgery. 

"Tenten, I have some bad news. Neji did not wake up from his coma. I'm sorry."

Tenten was in tears as the bad news hits her. She hugged Lee as Tenten cried on the shoulder. But suddenly, Tenten pushed Lee back.

"Are you having an erection?" asked Tenten.

Lee immediately shakes his head. "No, it's my belt buckle. It's a very big belt buckle.

**End of Episode 04**

**

* * *

**Tenten was walking to her dressing room when she notices that her door is slightly open. Tenten slowly looks inside and sees Neji stealing some cash out of Tenten's wallet. Neji kissed the money and picked up a cup of Sake and had a celebratory drink. Then, Neji sees Tenten at the door. "Hey Tenten..." Neji looked around. "Well, Naruto did good today in that gameshow segment, didn't he?" 

Tenten entered her dressing room, pulled out a scroll and closed the door...

**The Real End of Episode 04 **


	5. Episode 5

**"****SALE** **SALE** **SALE****!" **

Outside a warehouse, a group of female Konoha residents and Lee were waiting. As soon as a hired Chunin removes the barrier rope, the females and Lee ran into the warehouse.

Gai's V/O: _"You have to get in quick for this massive sale! Slimming Spandex! All the colors of the rainbow. Must be gone within 925 words! Or ANBU will burn the place down for insurance purposes! We have massive discounts! **70 percent! 80 Percent! 90 Percent!** **Even 99 Percent discount**!"_

Lee was pushing through a group of angry women trying to get his hands on the different colored spandexes.

Gai's V/O: _"This is our **'Serious, we're not lying to you because we're Closing Down sale!'**, after our popular **'Closing Down Sale'**, **'Really, we're closing down sale!'** and **the 'cross our hearts, cross our fingers, pinky promise, unbreakable vow, are we really going to lie to you, Closing Down Sale!'**"_

Sakura and Ino were having a tug-o-war over a dark blue spandex before Lee took it off them while carrying a very large pile of spandex.

Gai's V/O: "Head straight to Konoha Warehouse 53! Before ANBU burns it down!"

**Maito Gai's Spandex Emporium: At Konoha Warehouse 53 **

* * *

Naruto's War Against Everything 

_Episode 05:_ Actually, it's still **The Maito Gai Fanfiction Series**

By PikaFlash

Disclaimers: As usual, all characters, scenes, songs, ideas and famous speeches belong to their respective owners.

* * *

**Summary:** Sasuke is sick and Sakura decides to stay home to help him rest. One day, Sakura accidentally let slip some forms giving Sasuke life insurance. Sasuke was angry when he found out, but Sakura told Sasuke that she also placed life insurance on herself. Feeling like he almost became Naruto, he apologized. Then, Sakura stabbed Sasuke from behind with a kunai.

* * *

**Apology:** Sorry about the change of titles, but ever since I started this fanfic, I was hoping to strictly keep it a Team Gai fanfic, but as one would need more characters to expand the humor, I decided to change the name. 

**Second Apology:** I had too much sugar while doing Episode 4.

**Third Apology:** I'm now taking a big risk by adding some controversy to the fanfic.

* * *

Naruto was at the newsdesk. 

"This first one has us talking about the mystery of disappearing crew on ships. Take for example, the story of the **Merry Go**, whose crew has gone missing."

* * *

On a pirate ship restaurant, Shikamaru, Choji, Ino, Tenten, Neji and Gai were having a big meal when the chef, Sanji from One Piece, walked to the table._ (A special cameo appearance for this fanfic)_

"Is there anything else I can get for you?" asked Sanji.

"Would you mind giving us the bill?" asked Gai.

Sanji walked off. As soon as the chef was out of hearing range, Gai whispered, "We're going to make a run for it. Now."

The group quickly left the table.

Sanji walked out of the kitchen, only to find the table empty. "Those bastards!"

* * *

Everyone took the only available lifeboat and started paddling away from the ship. 

"Come back here, you bastards!" screamed Sanji.

* * *

Sasuke and Sakura were in a car with Sasuke driving. Sasuke spots a sign, reading,** 'ANBU now targeting: Fatigue.' **

Sakura and Sasuke suddenly let out a slight yawn from their mouths; Kakashi silently appeared from the back seat and slit both Sasuke and Sakura's throats in an instant before the car slowly makes a stop on the side of the road, with a dead Sasuke behind the wheel and his dead passenger.

* * *

Naruto and Hinata were at an outdoor restaurant, having a candlelight dinner. Both of them looked at each other in the eyes. As both have enjoyed their dinner, Naruto and Hinata looked at each other. Hinata was moving her face closer to Naruto's face, both know what they wanted. They began kissing each other. As Naruto reached into his pocket to pull out his wallet... 

**Ka-ching! **

* * *

Film Director Kurenai pauses the film on a computer as she and Editor Kakashi were putting the scenes together. 

"Kakashi, what the hell was that?" asked Kurenai.

"It was a sound effect."

"What was that sound effect for?"

"The sound effect is to say that the man was going to get his money to pay the bill," explained Kakashi.

Kurenai sighed. "Kakashi...this film is going to premiere at the Anime Film Festival and I doubt that the audience will watch it if you would add such a dumb sound effect, especially using a cash register sound effect for paying the bill. Remove it."

"Alright." Kakashi presses a few keys and plays the scene again.

* * *

The film resumes where Naruto and Hinata were kissing. As Naruto reached into his pocket... 

**_Ka-ching! _**

* * *

Kurenai presses the pause button. "Kakashi!" 

"I'm sorry," apologized Kakashi. "I just think that the sound effect helps. I mean, I hear the sound effect when the guy puts his hands in his pocket for his wallet during the kiss, I know that he's going to pay the bill."

"Kakashi, I don't need sound effects to tell me that he's going to pay the bill. And in my opinion, I would leave it up to the audience to figure out that he's going to pay the bill. Just remove the sound effect."

"Alright, Kurenai."

Kakashi presses a few keys and then plays the scene again.

* * *

The film resumes where Naruto and Hinata were kissing. As Naruto reached into his pocket, he pulls out his wallet as the waiter brings the bill.

* * *

Kakashi paused the film. 

"That's better," said Kurenai.

Someone was knocking at the door. "Pizza Delivery!"

"Don't worry, Kurenai, this one is my treat."

As Kakashi reaches into his pocket and pulls out his wallet...

**_Ka-ching! _**

Kurenai had a surprised look on her face.

"Yeah, it happens to me all the time whenever I take out my wallet."

* * *

**"****SALE** **SALE** **SALE****!" **

Lee was running through a warehouse past the female population of Konoha trying to get the cheap slimming fabric.

Gai's V/O: _"ANBU has just burnt down our warehouse, but we were able to recover some of our stock! Including this priceless Maito Gai Original Green Spandex that was used when he was a Genin! Was **Priceless**, now at **50 Ryou**! That's right! **50 RYOU**!" _

Lee takes the priceless spandex off the clothing rack.

Gai's V/O: _"We are now desperate to get rid of everything, or ANBU will find us and kill us all!"_

Lee was trying to push a large container full of Spandexes but he wasn't strong enough.

Gai's V/O: _"We will also give you this entire container full of Spandexes, if you can carry it away!"_

Hinata runs out of the warehouse, carrying bags of orange and indigo-blue spandexes.

Gai's V/O: _"Head straight to Konoha Warehouse 53 for the **'Seriously, we're closing down or ANBU will kills us'** __Sale__! Or it'll be a bloodbath!"_

**Maito Gai's Spandex Emporium: At Konoha Warehouse 53 **

* * *

Kakashi was wearing a scarf instead of his usual mask. With him were Kurenai, Gai and Asuma. 

"I need a new mask that can hide my identity," said Kakashi. "My old cloth mask has been tattered and a knight's iron helmet won't do me any good."

"Are you sure?" asked Gai. "I thought iron is a fruit?"

"I have an idea." Kurenai dug her hands into her backpack and pulled out a tube of facial cream and cucumbers.

* * *

The next day, the four Jounins have ambushed a group of Stone Shinobis. 

"You won't get away with this, Kakashi!" said one of the ninjas.

"Oh yeah? With my new mask, you won't be able to recognize me!" yelled back Kakashi, who happens to be wearing a facial mask with cucumbers covering his eyes.

"Well, we will touch and smell the faces of every single men in Konoha for the scent of apricot and cucumber!" retorted the Stone ninja.

"Apricot's a metal," said Gai.

* * *

Then, Kakashi, Gai, Asuma and Kurenai made a suicidal charge towards enemy lines, all wearing facial products. 

Narration:_ "A few days later, the Kakashi gang made one last stand against the Stone Shinobis. None of them survived, but the Stone said that they were the most beautiful Konoha ninjas ever seen in battle..." _

* * *

Neji and Lee were looking at a map a desert. 

"Lets see. We are currently at this location on the map," said Neji, pointing to a particular spot. "And the enemies are right behind us."

Neji and Lee turned around to see a group of sound ninjas, waiting to pounce.

"So, I think it is a good idea for us to start moving away from this spot," said Neji, as he and Lee slowly walked away with the Sound Ninjas slowly following the duo.

* * *

**The Hi5 of the Konoha - The HamHam Gang **

Ino was playing a guitar with Chouji standing next to her. Both of them were dressed like the hamsters from Hamtaro, with Hinata dressed like the Dark Magician Girl _(the Yu-Gi-Oh card)_ in the background.

Song: _"We're the...HamHam gang in a HamHam World."_

Naruto jumps in followed by a grumpy Shikamaru, with Naruto dressed like a hamster and Shikamaru dressed in overalls, like Mario, the Italian plumber)

Song: _"Having HamHam fun, in a __HamHamHamHam Way__."_

Ino/Chouji: _"It's the HamHam friends that we like to play."_

Naruto/Shikamaru: _"We hug and kiss, but not in every way."_

"I'm Chouji, I'm firm."

"I'm Naruto, I'm buff."

"I'm Ino, I'm pert."

"I'm Shkamaru and I say that this is troublesome!"

"And I'm the Clockwork Dark Magician Girl," introduced Hinata.

Ino turns a clockwork key behind Hinata and Hinata began to dance in circles.

"And we're...The HamHam Gang! YAY!" Chouji, Naruto and Ino cheered.

"What a great day it is today," said Chouji.

"YAY!" The trio cheered once more.

"And it's great to be here with my HamHam friends on this fantabulus day," said Naruto.

Same annoying cheer by the trio. "YAY!"

"Good for you, Naruto. So, Shikamaru, how are you today?" asked Ino.

"I've already said this is troublesome!" yelled Shikamaru.

After an awkward silence, the gang laughed. "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"We know a song about that," said Ino.

Shikamaru mouthed the word "F..k!" in the background as he sits next to Hinata.

"YAY!" Both Naruto and Chouji cheered.

"Here we go. 2...3...4..." Ino plays the guitar.

Naruto/Ino/Chouji (singing): _"Shika's being troublesome and we don't know why..."_

_"He's a really big troublesome kind of guy,"_ added Naruto.

Naruto/Ino/Chouji (singing): _"We hate his guts and we hate his head."  
__"We like to chop them off and kill him till he's dead!"_

**Song ends **

The trio cheered and laughed. "YAY! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Shikamaru takes one look at the Dark Magician Girl looking at Shikamaru's head, then Hinata suddenly uses the Dark Magician Girl's magic staff and land a few hits on Shikamaru's head. "Owww! Owww! I'm under attack by this troublesome Clockwork Dark Magician Girl!"

"We know a song about that," said Naruto.

"YAY!" the Trio cheered.

The trio began to sing another song.

Naruto/Chouji/Ino (singing):_ "Clockwork Dark Magician Girl loves to hit Shika's head..." _

* * *

Kakashi was working in an office in the middle of the night when Kurenai walked in. 

"You're alone tonight?" asked Kurenai.

"Yeah."

Kurenai sits on Kakashi's desk.

"How about we do something that we only have this chance to do it?" asked Kurenai.

Kakashi was confused. "What do you mean?"

"You know...get a bit naughty and get in with the moment and face the consequences later." Kurenai suddenly pushed Kakashi's stationary and files off the desk.

"Well, Kakashi?"

Kakashi smiles. "Sure."

As Kurenai prepares to undress, Kakashi runs to another desk and pushes files and stationary off the other desks!

"Come on; get in with the moment, Kurenai!"

Kurenai sighs. "What an idiot."

* * *

Fancy Wine taster Neji was in a fancy outfit with waiters Naruto, Kiba and Ino at the table. 

"Mr. Neji," said Naruto in a pseudo-French waiter accent. "I can see that your nose is in tip-top condition, so here's one that may challenge your senses."

Naruto passed a glass of wine to Neji and he sniffs the wine. The wine smells funny. Something methane related. Neji looked at Naruto.

"You farted into this glass, didn't you!" said Neji.

"Indeed I did," replied Naruto.

Kiba and Naruto did a high five and Ino was laughing as Neji drinks the wine.

* * *

Gai _(dressed as an American President)_ was addressing a invisible mass of Americans with the guys of Team Gai _(no (dubbed) pun intended)_ were dressed as Union Officials. The guys of Team Kakashi dressed as Union Soldiers. Sakura and Tenten were dressed as what an American woman would wear in the mid-1800s, on the side of the teams they are on. 

"Four scores and seven years ago, our forefathers has given us a constitution. Guaranteed us liberty...blah blah blah...and we have decided to create the **CIA** and the **FBI**...blah blah blah...you know the drill. Stuff about the war, people dying, how terrible it was, sacrifice...blah blah blah...moving forward as one, leaving it all behind us. Greatest Country in the World...blah blah blah...yours faithfully, etc. etc. blah blah blah... In voice enclosed. Make sure it goes out tonight in the mail unit."

Gai puts the speech down. "Well, that should do it. Now I'm off to the theatre." Gai walks off, proving to modern Americans _(reading this fanfic) _that Gai has absolutely no knowledge of American History and giving non-Americans _(reading this fanfic)_ barely any idea what is going on, other than the fact that he is going to be assassinated later on. _(Actually, the point of this scene is for one to wonder what would happen if Gai plays the role of a President of the United States of America in the mid 1800s. Self-Reminder: Do not put anything in the brackets or **'parentheses' **in actual fanfic.)_

Kakashi looks around with a scarf covering his face instead of his usual mask. "You think Gai is going to die today according to what the author said?" asked Kakashi as soon as Gai has left.

**End of Episode 05...or Is it? Before we go, here's one final advertisement: **

**"****SALE** **SALE** **SALE****!" **

Lee runs around in the warehouse full of Spandexes on clothing racks as the female population are getting their hands on the cheap material they could use to make their own clothes.

Gai's V/O: _"My voice is starting to leave me! It's getting worst and worst by the second! If I keep doing this, I'll never beat Kakashi! **(cough cough cough cough!)** My career as a voice actor is down the toilet bowl! It's was once all strong and youthful, now it's getting all throaty and rough!"_

**Maito Gai's Spandex Emporium: At Konoha Warehouse 53 **

Gai's V/O: _"That's it, I'm out of here. The Springtime of youth has left my voice."_

**End of Episode 05 **


	6. Episode 6

**Maito Gai Fanfiction Series **

_Episode 06 _

By PikaFlash

Disclaimers: As usual, all characters, scenes, songs, ideas and famous speeches belong to their respective owners.

* * *

**Summary:** Sakura has invited Naruto to the Uchihas for a dinner. Sasuke figured that it's an excuse for Sakura to get Naruto matched up with a friend of hers. On the night before the dinner, Sasuke tells Naruto about the setup, but Naruto says that he's gay and he loves Sasuke. In the end, Naruto and Sasuke have sex on the floor. Sakura finds out and kills them both.

* * *

_Voice-Over: "Welcome to The Maito Gai Fanfiction Series, starring..." _

"**Takuya Kanbara**"

"**Kim Possible**"

"**Yugi Moto**"

"**The Winx Club Dancers**"

"**Shobu Kirufuda**"

"**The Rugrats Orchestra**"

"**Van Flyheight**"

"**Hikari Yagami**"

"**Shinobu Maeha" **

"**Tyson Kinomiya**"

"**Hikaru Shindou**"

"**The Flying Teen Titans**"

"**Harry Potter**"

"**The Powerpuff Girls Band**"

"**Krillin**"

"**Daisuke and Takato**"

"And with music by the girls from** Totally Spies**!"

_Voice-Over: "And now, we present...the What-His-Face!" _

* * *

Orochimaru was sitting in the darkness with Kabuto waiting. 

"Orochimaru-sama, it is time for you to make a decision," said Kabuto.

"How much time do we have?" asked Orochimaru.

"We only have 5 minutes," Kabuto replied.

Orochimaru nods. "Alright, I have made my decision. I'm betting on Slytherin."

Kabuto looks up at Orochimaru. "But, Orochimaru-sama, you do know that they are playing Away."

Orochimaru nods. "It's a risk we'll have to take. Go, before I bet all the other Away teams."

"Yes, Orochimaru-sama."

Kabuto walks off as Orochimaru walked towards the Qudditch Betting Chart.

**_Qudditch Betting Chart (Order from Best Tips to Worst Tips): _**

**1.** Scarecrow Boy  
**2.** Lord Orochimaru  
**3.** Princess Pink Sakura  
**4.** Foxy Naruto  
**5.** Maito _'The Mighty Guy' _Gai  
**6.** Jiraiya the Handsome  
**7.** The Sharingan Avenger  
**8.** Natural Blonde Ino  
**9.** Ice Phantom Haku  
**10.** Health and Safety Inspector Hinata  
**11.** Konoha Ninja #15003  
**12.** That Old Bag Tsunade

Orochimaru slams his fist on the list.

* * *

A box of Quakers Oats was on Gai's table. 

_Gai's V/O: "On average, quakers contain about 10 million times as much material as the sun. Quakers radiate light and radio waves and are hundreds of times brighter than normal galaxies. Oh wait, its quasars! We should really work on our translations. Our dubbing department is in need of an upgrade..." _

* * *

In a trench, a black-haired ninja opened an envelope and reads a letter. In the background, Lee and Neji were keeping an eye out for the enemy. 

_Sakura's Voice: "Dear Sasuke,  
__It's Sunday evening and the children is in bed, so I finally have time to put pen to paper.  
__We are hoping that you will be back for Christmas. The newspapers has predict..." _

Knocking was heard.

_Sakura's Voice: "One moment please." _

The reader was surprised with what was written on the letter.

_Lee's Voice: Hello, gorgeous. _

Sakura's Voice: Just a moment, I'm writing to Sasuke.

_Lee's Voice: He doesn't suspect about us, does he? _

_Sakura's Voice: How could he? Let me finish this letter. "Sorry, that was my sister bringing us some of fruits." _

_Lee's Voice: I'm going to the bedroom. _

_Sakura's voice: "I can't help but miss you, looking at your photo and crying myself to sleep." _

_Lee's voice: Mmmmm, I love this smell. _

_Sakura's voice: "And I'm helping out at the hospital..." _

_Lee's Voice: I'll help you out of that dress. _

The reader continues reading, as he looks closely at the letter.

_"Ohhh, ohhh, ohhh...ahhhhhh! Ohhhh...ohhhh...ohhhh..." _

The reader quickly looks at the next page.

_"Ahhhhhhhhh!" _

_Sakura's Voice: "From your Love, Sakura." _

The reader was shocked at transcript of what is going on with the writer and her lover. Then, the reader looks up from the letter at Sasuke, whose eyes were bandaged up from a recent battle.

"You sure you want me to read this, Sasuke?" Shikamaru asked as he points at the letter.

Sasuke nods.

* * *

_Narrator: The cases are real. The people are real. The rulings of Judge G. Maito are also real._

Lee and Ino rose as Judge Gai enters the courtroom.

"Alright, what do we have here?" asked Gai.

"We are calling for a 3 month adjournment," said Ino.

"Granted." Gai hits the gavel.

* * *

Shikamaru, Ino, Tenten, Naruto, Neji and Hinata had just finished a casual dinner of pizza in the living room. 

_'Man...who's the idiot who thought of ordering 3 pizzas among six people?'_ thought Shikamaru.

Neji looks at the last pizza piece. '_Vegetarian is nothing more than a garnish,'_ thought Neji. '_But I want that last pizza piece.'_

_'I really want the pizza piece...but I don't know if Naruto wants it,'_ thought Hinata.

Hinata looks at Naruto.

_'Has anyone ever tried mixing curry with Ramen before?'_ thought Naruto.

Tenten and Ino looked at the last pizza piece.

_'You thinking what I'm thinking, Ino?'_ thought Tenten, giving a look to Ino.

_'Yep,'_ thought Ino. _'We'll split the last piece in half. Hinata won't think of touching it cause she might think Naruto wants it.' _

_'If I go for it and Ino wants it...it's too troublesome for me to wonder what will happen to me,'_ thought Shikamaru.

Neji keeps his eye the last pizza piece. _'I want it. Hinata won't even think of getting near it of Naruto is there.'_

_'I wonder if they have the new curry flavored Ramen,'_ thought Naruto.

_'If no one goes for it, I'll take it,'_ thought Hinata.

Shikamaru, Tenten, Neji, Hinata and Ino made their moves for the last pizza piece, but stop short because they saw that either one of the other wants the last piece.

_'Well, that's awkward,'_ thought Ino.

"You want the last piece?" asked Ino.

"Nah, we're full," said Neji.

"I'll take it!" Naruto takes the last pizza piece and eats it.

_'That's disgusting,'_ thought Ino.

_'How does he do it?'_ thought Tenten.

_'Damn,'_ thought Neji.

_'Meh...thinking about it is too troublesome,'_ thought Shikamaru.

_'Naruto-kun...'_ thought Hinata.

_'Why do they put the Ramen in the pasta section of the supermarket?'_ thought Naruto.

* * *

**Maito Gai's ****Driving** **School**

**Phone: 1800 TOP GAI **

Tenten is standing in front of a car, waiting for her driving instructor. It's no surprise that she didn't look pleased when her instructor is a guy in a green bodysuit, flak jacket and a bowl haircut.

"Gai-sensei...are you sure you want me to drive?" asked Tenten.

"Of course! I'm may be putting my life at risk by someone who has never driven before, but I will prove to Kakashi that I can do it!"

"I'm a bit nervous," said Tenten.

"You think you're nervous? I'm shaking on my insides because I'm going to be driven in a car who hasn't driven before!"

Tenten and Gai sat in the car.

"Now, what is the first thing you need to do?" asked Gai.

Tenten looked at the side mirrors and the rear view mirror of the car. "Check my car mirrors?"

"Wrong!" said Gai. "The first thing you need to do is look into the mirror to see if your beautiful hair and white teeth shines."

The moment there was a bright flash from Gai's hair and teeth...

"I'm blind!" a voice screamed, followed by a passing camper van that suddenly lost control and crashed into the Hokage Building.

* * *

Sakura and Choji were sharing a bag of potato chips. 

At the same time, the two were watching Ino was talking to Shikamaru at a park bench.

"So, Shikamaru...how about going to the mall this afternoon?" asked Ino.

"Too troublesome," was the reply.

"Ok...how about having something to eat at Ichiraku's?"

"Too troublesome."

Ino is getting annoyed by the answers. "Alright...how would you feel if I strangle you, hang you from a tree and twist your body inside out?"

"Too troublesome," said Shikamaru.

Suddenly, some celebration music was played and Naruto appeared dressed as a gameshow host, surprising everyone in the area.

"Congratulations, Shikamaru! You have said your one millionth _'Troublesome'_! Here's your gigantic novelty check for **10 Million Ryou**! Any words to say about your achievement?"

Shikamaru receives a giant novelty check from Hinata. "Errr...thanks?" said Shikamaru.

Gai appeared from behind a tree.

"Hi. I'm Maito Gai. As you know, some jokes run for too long. The only way to end it abruptly is to send in someone holding a giant novelty bank check, which helps ends the joke without the need of an awkward scene with the characters and pointlessly endless banter..."

Suddenly, Naruto presents another giant novelty check worth **10 million ryou** to Gai.

"Oh wow! Nothing can stop the power of youth!"

* * *

The Maito Gai Driving school sign has been replaced by... 

**Uzumaki Gang's ****Drive-By** **Driving** **School**

Tenten was waiting by her car when Naruto, wearing a black suit, appeared.

"You the driving student?" asked Naruto.

Tenten nods. "Yes. Where's Gai-sensei?" she asked.

"Errr...he's having a _'lie down'_ after a very _'bad fall'_," said Naruto, with a bit of a light laugh. "Now, let's get into the car."

**In the car **

Naruto and Tenten were sitting in the car, with Tenten at the driver's seat. "Now, remember. Hands on ten and two."

Tenten puts her hands on the steering wheel.

"Now, what did you forget?" asked Naruto.

"Well...Gai-sensei said something about checking my mirrors to see if my hair and teeth are shiny..."

"Wrong!" said Naruto, holding out a CD. "The first thing you need to remember is J-Pop music to listen to while driving!"

Naruto puts the CD in and it starts playing the Japanese Teen Titans' Theme Song. Suddenly, shurikens hit the side of the car, thrown by a rival gang. "Shit! It's the Uchiha family! Drive drive drive!"

Tenten drives the car while Naruto takes out a kunai with an explosive tag on it. "Tenten, remember the important rule of driving, cars don't kill people." Tenten nods. "People kill people." Tenten gave a strange look at Naruto as he throws the kunai at his pursuers. "Now, go left! No! Your other left!" The car barely avoided the big explosion.

As soon as Tenten drove to safety, she hears a weird noise from the back of the car. "What's that sound...coming from the back of my car?" asked Tenten.

Naruto looks at the back. "Oh that? I'll handle it. Pull over..."

**Later **

Naruto hits an unconscious Gai on the head in the rear of the car and pulled Gai's body out. Naruto closed the trunk door and returned to the passenger seat next to Tenten. "Now, show me how good you are at reversing."

* * *

**The Naruto News Show: In Other News...**

Naruto was sitting at his news desk from the Naruto News Show. "In less important news, take a look at this nifty cell phone I got from Bandai."

**A Nice Looking Phone **

Naruto shows off his new cell phone, a free gift from Bandai.

"This custom built phone can actually predict what sleazy SMS I want to put," explained Naruto. "As I type this up..."

Naruto firsts puts in: _"What..."_

Suddenly, the phone automatically adds: _"What r u wearing, you sexy hot chunks!"_

Naruto smiles. "See! It knows what I want to say. An excellent phone for that bastard to use when Sakura-chan is not looking." Naruto looks at the camera waiting for something to happen next...only to realize that it's not over yet.

"Oh yeah, speaking of Sasuke...let's cross live to him in Konoha," said Naruto. "Where he is not going to do a news report."

* * *

Sasuke was walking down a street when he suddenly threw up on the pavement. 

Meanwhile, Choji was walking down the same street with passer-bys minding their own business.

_Narrator: "Can you spot which one is the former soccer player?" _

Choji bumps into a passer-by, only to drop on his back and cling on to his leg, pretending to have a cramp.

"AHHHHH! My leg has cramped up! Take me to a doctor!"

* * *

Shikamaru was on the phone at his workplace. 

"Yes. I am at a nightclub and I'm planning to have an affair with the secretary working at accounts. Yep. Her name's Temari. Ok, sure. Night, Ino."

Shikamaru hangs up the phone and walks to Naruto looking at some battle plans. "Didn't want my wife to think I was a workaholic. Back to the plan, Naruto."

* * *

Tenten slaps Naruto on stage. Next to Naruto was another contestant, Ino. 

**Gameshow Segment: Blank Fillers **

Tenten looks at the camera as Naruto rubs his face.

"Welcome back. 200 Ryou for Naruto and 500 Ryou for Tenten...because they spend it so quickly. Alright, ladies before gentlemen. Ino, here's our next question. Craze Psychotic Kazekage Gaara says this while accidentally kicking a rock, _'F..k f..k f-ing f..k f..k f..k blank f..k f-ing f..k!'_"

Tenten walked to the celebrity panel of six characters, who happen to be writing down their answers.

"Craze Psychotic Kazekage Gaara says this while accidentally kicking a rock, _'F..k f..k f-ing f..k f..k f..k blank f..k f-ing f..k!'_"

The first one being Sakura with longer hair dressed in Tifa's **FF7: Advent Children** outfit.

"So, Tifa? How does it feel to be impersonated by Sakura?"

"She's terrible," said _'Tifa'_.

"Good." Tenten walked to Hanako from Pocket Monsters.

"Next one, Satoshi's mother from **Pocket Monsters**."

Tenten brings us to the next celebrity panel member, _'Ugly' _Daisuke Motomiya from **Digimon Adventure 02**, totally ignoring Hanako.

"So, Ugly Daisuke. Why do they call you Daisuke?"

"It's a very funny story..."

"Actually, it was a rhetorical question," said Tenten.

"Don't worry," said Daisuke. "It won't take long. It all started when..."

**An edit later **

Daisuke has finished his story and laughed at the joke, with Tenten looking bored. "Thank you, Daisuke. Moving on."

Tenten walks to Hinata. "Moving on to a very popular Naruto Character...Uchiha Itachi, who refuse to come onto this fanfic."

Next to Hinata was a cardboard cutout of Itachi.

"Well, that's a pity," said the cardboard cutout. "I had some prerecorded audio for this."

"Really? Can I hear more?"

"Well, that's pretty much it," said the cutout copy of Itachi.

"And finally, Sasuke, who is going to appear in the new Musical on Orochimaru's life story," said Tenten. "Isn't that right?"

Sasuke nods. "Yes. It starts at 8 pm tonight."

Tenten looks at a nearby Digital clock, reading **8:15**. "Then, shouldn't your show be starting by now?"

"Oh shit..." Sasuke runs out of the studio.

"Ok, our panel is locked in. Craze Psychotic Kazekage Gaara says this while accidentally kicking a rock. _'F..k f..k f-ing f..k f..k f..k blank f..k f-ing f..k!'_" Tenten looks at Ino. "What is your answer, Ino?"

"F..k." answered Ino.

Tenten looks at the panel. "Ok, open up your answers."

The 4 available panelists revealed their answers and help show off the answers for those who aren't even there. The answer: **F..k**.

"Six f..ks for Ino!" Tenten yelled as the Final Fantasy Victory theme is played. "But anyway, this fanfic has too many young readers. So, we should cut the cussing altogether."

* * *

Naruto was lost in a supermarket as he was holding a cell phone. 

"Hinata, I don't think I can do it."

_Hinata (on phone): Yes you can! It's right next to you. _

"But I can't do it!" said Naruto.

Hinata was outside standing at the Supermarket window, watching Naruto as though he was a lost kid in a maze.

Hinata sighed. "Ok, let's take it slowly."

Next to Hinata, Tenten was holding a phone as Naruto walks by Neji in the supermarket.

"Neji, concentrate," said Tenten.

"But I can't," cried Neji. "I cannot find the noodles, even with my Byakugan!"

_(**A/N:** That's because the noodlesare in Neji's Blind Spot) _

Shikamaru was sitting scared in a corner next to the toothpastes with his cell phone.

"Ino, I can't do it!" said the paranoid Shikamaru. "The whole supermarket aisle is closing in on me!"

Ino was standing outside the window. "That's it! I'm coming in to get you!"

Ino enters the supermarket to 'rescue' Shikamaru.

* * *

**Gameshow Segment: Character Feud **

Back at the gameshow segment, Tenten was with Naruto, Ino and the celebrity panel of four characters and one cardboard cutout.

"Alright, next question for Naruto," said Tenten. "A reply to this: _'I am going out to buy bread.' 'I am going out to buy bread'_."

The panel of the remaining five has written down their answers. "Alright." Tenten walked to Naruto. "Here's the question. 'I'm going out to buy bread.' What is your reply?"

Naruto gave a bit of thought for his answer. "Oh, that's nice." he answered.

"Ok." Tenten looks at Sakura _(still dressed as Tifa)_ "Tifa? Your answer?"

Sakura shows her answer. "Wholemeal or White?"

**Bzzt. **

"Oh...wrong answer, Tifa," said Tenten as she goes to the next person in the panel. "Ok, Mrs. K, what about your answer."

Hanako from Pocket Monsters shows her answer. "While you're at it, could you go get some milk, lemonade, apples, flour, sugar, salt, pepper and noodles. Oh, and don't forget the new issue of Better Homes and Gardens. And don't be late."

Tenten was absolutely confused. "What the hell was that? Anyway, thank you for making a cameo in this fanfic, Hanako."

Hanako smiled. "Your welcome."

Suddenly, Hanako was pulled out of her chair upwards to the top of the studio by some strings.

**End of Episode 6**


	7. Episode 7

_Narrator: "Previously, on the **Maito Gai Fanfiction Series**, Naruto was found to have been doing inappropriate things. So, we are giving him one last chance. He has ten seconds not to make any mischief. But there is a catch..."_

Naruto was waiting in the kitchen when Choji appeared and opened the fridge door and looks inside. Tenten walks into the kitchen and gives Naruto a towel.

_Narrator: "The catch is that Naruto must not towel whip Choji in the butt."_

Tenten looks at her watch. "Naruto Uzumaki, your time starts now."

**10, 9, 8...**

Naruto was trying his best to resist the urge to whip Choji.

**7, 6, 5...**

But the temptation was far too strong for Naruto to resist.

**4, 3, 2...**

Naruto towel whips Choji in the butt with 2 seconds remaining and Tenten walked to Naruto.

_Narrator: "Damn...he was so close."_

"Nice try, wise guy." Tenten pulls Naruto out of the kitchen.

* * *

**The Maito Gai Fanfiction Series (MGFFS) **

_Episode 07 _

**_By PikaFlash _**

**Disclaimers:** As usual, all characters, scenes, songs, ideas and famous speeches belong to their respective owners.

* * *

**MGFFS Episode 1 Summary:** In this fanfic, Neji has a dream. By the end of the fanfic, Neji has not move an inch. What a waste of a summary. 

**MGFFS Episode 2 Summary:** Naruto wants to go to the beach. He does. That's pretty normal for this episode, with everyone agreeing with each other for a whole fanfic that is less than 2000 words. The original Naruto cast does not appear. Even Naruto is played by someone else and they all speak in undubbed English. I think this is the wrong fanfic.

**MGFFS Episode 3 Summary:** Shikamaru and Ino are on their way home from dinner and Shikamaru has no idea why Ino is mad. Ino points out that not only Shikamaru has left the restaurant with Temari, he has tied Ino to a tree with some chain as Shikamaru and his mistress _(Temari)_ laugh at how they could bury her _(Ino's) _corpse. **ANBU** arrives and everyone apologizes to each other, especially Ino, as she is not an environmentalist who chains herself to trees to protect them _(the trees)_. Tsunade said that it is alright as she is the Hokage and they don't think they're in Konoha anymore, Akamaru.

**MGFFS Episode 4 Summary:** Sakura gave Sasuke some money to buy a new shirt. Sasuke instead bought a new chair. When he realized that Sakura's birthday is coming up and he didn't have enough money for a present, Sasuke had to figure out how to get Sakura a birthday present. Then he sees a dress being delivered to Ino. Sasuke quickly tells the deliveryman that he will collect Ino's dress as she is not home. Sasuke takes the opportunity to give Sakura the new dress at the party. Unfortunately, when Sakura tried the dress on, Ino arrives at the party, but before Ino could accused Sakura for stealing her dress, Sasuke slits her throat with a kunai. Blood splattered onto the dress Sakura was wearing, so Sakura beats Sasuke's head into the floor.

**MGFFS Episode 5 Summary:** Sasuke is sick and Sakura decides to stay home to help him rest. One day, Sakura accidentally let slip some forms giving Sasuke life insurance. Sasuke was angry when he found out, but Sakura told Sasuke that she also placed life insurance on herself. Feeling like he almost became Naruto, he apologized. Then, Sakura stabbed Sasuke from behind with a kunai.

**MGFFS Episode 6 Summary: **Sakura has invited Naruto to the Uchihas for a dinner. Sasuke figured that it's an excuse for Sakura to get Naruto matched up with a friend of hers. On the night before the dinner, Sasuke tells Naruto about the setup, but Naruto says that he's gay and he loves Sasuke. In the end, Naruto and Sasuke have sex on the floor. Sakura finds out and kills them both.

**MGFFS Episode 7 Summary:** Sasuke has recieved his paycheck in the mail. When Sakura opened it, inside was a love letter from Naruto. Sasuke was confused and Sakura was furious. Sakura demanded an explanation and Sasuke had no idea why his paycheck was not inside. Then, Naruto arrives at the Uchihas. Naruto explained that he messed up because he was also sending a love letter to Hinata while putting Sasuke's paycheck in mail. Satisfied with the explanation, Sasuke threw a bottle of acid at Naruto's face, scarring him for life.

* * *

**Note:** The reason why Gai now infrequently appears in the past few episodes is because as the title character of this fanfic, he is obligated in his contract to make at least one appearance in the fanfic or at least a running gag.

* * *

**The Maito Gai Fanfiction Series Opening Theme:** Gai was riding a bicycle before he crashed into a coffin. 

Neji, Tenten and Lee were practicing their Taijutsu against invisible enemies.

Naruto and Gaara were signing a treaty.

Hinata was wearing a rabbit outfit while the little kids hug the big bunny.

Naruto was playing with a tiny guitar.

Then Akamaru was running on a TV screen, followed by Gai tripping over a park bench.

Then Naruto and Sasuke were in the same bed, with Sasuke stabbing Naruto three times, followed by Gai being thrown out of a window.

Naruto and Sasuke were back in the same bed, with Sasuke stabbing Naruto three times again, only to be followed with Shikamaru destroying a TV set by throwing an explosive Kunai at it.

Choji opens a door, only to see Shikamaru preparing to hang himself from a table.

Ino's the new blockhead.

Sakura is seen cleaning some speakers with a vacuum cleaner.

Lee drinks an entire bottle of Sake on TV, while Gai was standing in the audience stand holding an ax(e).

President Goku was with his Presidential Team posing for a photograph.

Shino was on TV, as the camera moves to Gai sitting on his couch, with a couple of forks stuck in potatoes, pretending to have a walk, only to have one of the _'feet'_ accidentally kicking Gai in the face.

Sasuke throws up in the middle of Konoha.

The Rookie 9 were dragging a tied up Tenten on the ground, followed by Neji opening a door, only to find the Rookie 9 having a party inside the room.

Lee is seen falling off a cliff.

Then, Sasuke was hit with a Naruto Manga, courtesy of **ANBU **Interrogators.

* * *

Hinata was working at the Konoha Convenience Store when Kiba pulled a fake Neji figure to the counter. 

"How can I help you?" asked Hinata.

"Yeah, how much is your life-sized Neji Hyuuga figure?"

"That would be 500 Ryou."

Kiba paid Hinata. As soon as Hinata puts the cash in the register, Kiba kicked the fake Neji in the groin and continuously attack the Neji figure while he is down.

"What the hell you did that for?"

Kiba stopped attacking the Neji figure. "I hate Neji Hyuuga."

* * *

Neji was at an office desk with Naruto sitting on the other side with Neji wearing a pair of glasses. 

"Give me a second, Naruto," said Neji. "I need to clean my glasses."

Neji removes his glasses and Naruto suddenly blushed.

"Without your glasses...you're beautiful."

Instead of Neji sitting at the office desk, it was Hinata holding the glasses.

"Thanks," said Hinata.

* * *

Choji was wearing a _'Hi-5 a Pokémon Trainer Day'_ T-shirt while eating his favorite potato chips. At the same time, Tenten and Sakura were sitting on a bench. 

"Don't you hate it when your spoon your boyfriend. He sleeps on your arm until is hurts." said Sakura.

"Luckily, I don't need to worry about it," said Tenten, showing off her arm sling. "I got a broken arm."

Then Tenten looks at us and gives us the thumbs up with her free hand. "And that's the Arm sling Advantage!"

* * *

Gai rides his bicycle straight into a wall.

* * *

Ino walks into the Konoha Convenience Store, where Hinata was working at the fruit stand. 

"Excuse me, but I have a problem with your tomatoes."

Hinata looks at Ino. "What is the problem?" asked Hinata.

Ino picks up a tomato. "Here's the thing. These tomatoes have stickers on them. Can you imagine someone, like Sasuke-kun, eating a tomato and he forgets to take off the sticker and he ends up choking on it?"

"I'm pretty sure that won't happen, Ino," said Hinata. "I mean, someone like Sasuke would obviously take off the sticker."

"I know, but hypermathematically, let's assume that he forgets to do that."

Hinata has a bit of thought. "But I think it's silly to have someone reminding people to remove the sticker before they eat it."

"Of course it's silly," said Ino.

"Then, what do you suggest?"

"We should put stickers on them, like what Naruto did when he took the Instant Ramen from the pasta section to the noodle section in episode 2."

Hinata is confused. "Put a sticker on the sticker?"

Ino shakes her head. "No. I mean, put a sticker on the tomato, saying, it is dangerous to eat this tomato with the small sticker on it."

(Note: Consider the word _'hypermathematically'_ as part of bad dub.)

* * *

Later, as Kiba takes a tomato, Ino appears and places a sticker on the tomato, reading, _'Please remove the small sticker before eating as it is a choking hazard.'_

* * *

Tenten was also taking a tomato and Ino puts another sticker on Tenten's tomato.

* * *

Kurenai takes a cucumber. "Am I suppose get a sticker?" 

Ino shakes her head. "No, it's only for the tomatoes."

* * *

Meanwhile, Sakura and Sasuke were tasting wine. 

"This wine has a very odd taste," Sakura said. "One that has the taste when you put it on the table."

"Solid?" asked Sasuke.

"It pushes your tongue as if you're French kissing someone," said Sakura.

"Mixture?"

"It makes me feel so hot!"

"Hard?"

"It gives me pleasure!" Sakura said, as though as she had the satisfaction of sleeping with Sasuke.

Sasuke figured it out. "Is it Kai from Beyblade?"

Sakura smiled. "Yes, Sasuke. It tastes like Kai from Beyblade."

* * *

**This Segment's Special Naruto Character's Pet is: **

**_Sasuke Uchiha's Rabbit! _**

* * *

**Meanwhile, in the ****Sound** **Village**

Kabuto was outside Orochimaru's room. Kabuto knocks on the door.

"Orochimaru-sama. It's time," said Kabuto. There was no answer. "Orochimaru-sama?"

Kabuto opens the door to see Orochimaru choking on a tomato.

* * *

Later, Kabuto walked to Sasuke, who was waiting. 

"I have some bad news, Sasuke. Those tomatoes you gave to Orochimaru-sama...he choked on them," explained Kabuto. "So, there is no training today."

"How did he choke on my tomatoes?" asked Sasuke.

"Well...he forgot to remove the sticker," said Kabuto.

Sasuke sighed. "And he calls himself a legendary ninja."

* * *

Gai rides his bicycle straight into a wall.

* * *

Team 7 were tied up at the wooden posts with Kakashi standing in front of the group at the memorial. 

"Finally, I am glad you are here to witness opening of the first ever first-edition interactive book from _'Icha Icha'_ series: _'Icha Icha Hero'_," announced Kakashi. "As the first people honored to see the book other than the author and I, enjoy listening to it.

Kakashi puts the book in front of the three and opens it. On the first page was an advertisement for Ichiraku's. Suddenly, a voice from the book spoke.

_Book: "Ichiraku's Ramen. The best place for Ramen in Konoha. Even our future Hokage endorses the place. 500 metres east of the __Hokage_ _Building__." _

Kakashi turns the page, showing another advertisement. This time, it's an advertisement of a weapon shop. Another voice spoke from the book.

_Book: "If you want top quality weapons for your missions, head on over to Tenten's Weapon Shop. Buy ten Kunais and you will get a free prediction on your future, courtesy of Ten-ten's Fortune Telling Shop." _

Kakashi turns to the next page. It's an introduction page, telling the readers a bit of who the author is and why the series is so popular. Sasuke was able to shake around in his ropes and got closer to Sakura to have a whisper.

"I wanna read that book," whispered Sasuke.

As soon as the book finished the introduction, it said, "And now, for our feature presentation..."

Naruto looks around. He sees Lee in a cinema usher's uniform. "Could I get popcorn and a drink to go with the book?" asked Naruto.

* * *

Shikamaru was walking down the street while wearing an arm sling when he meets up with Ino carrying a few bags of groceries. 

"Hey, Shikamaru. Could you help me with my groceries?"

Shikamaru shakes his head. "Sorry, I can't. Broken arm." Shikamaru looks at us and gives us the thumbs up with his free hand. "And that's the Arm sling Advantage!"

* * *

Kakashi was leaning on a wall outside a toy shop reading the new interactive 'Icha Icha Hero'. Inside, Lee was working behind the counter when Kiba appeared holding some miniature Neji figurines. 

"Yeah, how much is the miniature Neji figurines?" asked Kiba.

"That would be 100 ryou for 1."

"I'll take 3." Kiba paid Lee. Once Lee puts the money in the register, Kiba drops the figurines on the floor, picks up a sledgehammer and pounds the Neji figurines.

"What are you doing?" asked Lee.

Kiba looks at Lee. "I hate Neji Hyuuga," said Kiba.

* * *

**This Segment's Special Naruto Character's Pet is: **

**_Sakura Haruno's Matinee! _**

* * *

**Lee's Pursuit Trivia **

President Goku was about to finish a press conference in Tokyo when Lee stood up.

"Excuse me, Mr. President!" called out Lee. "I have a question. Do you know what is the big event in Japan on the 10th of October?"

Goku was confused. "Well...I have no clue. Naruto's birthday?"

Lee shakes his head. "Nope, it's when **Pac-Man** was released in Japanese Arcades in 1979."

Goku was impressed. "Wow. I didn't know that."

* * *

**Naruto News Show: In Other Less Important News **

**Neji Hyuuga: Live from Kanto **

Neji was standing in front of a map of Pokémon's Kanto.

"This is Neji Hyuuga here, reporting from Kanto and...I think we need to change the background that could represent Pokémon's Kanto more than what you see."

The background changed from a map to a Pikachu.

"Nope, that's too close," said Neji.

The background changed a picture of an ocean.

"I have no idea where that is."

The background changed to a picture of the main character of Pokémon.

"Next, please."

The background changed to a picture of a dead Digimon.

"That's too Digimon, Naruto."

The background changed to a picture of Pokémon's Team Rocket blasting off.

"Now that's better. In latest Pokémon News, the champion..."

The background suddenly changed to a picture of Kiba holding a sign reading, _'I hate Neji Hyuuga!'_

"That's it!" Neji threw his microphone onto the ground. "What is it with everyone hating me? Do the segment yourself! Lousy ungrateful..." said Neji as he walked off.

* * *

Naruto leaves his news desk and enters a room with a guitar and a window in it. 

"Thanks, Neji," said Naruto. "Normally, we wouldn't do this on the Naruto News Show, but..."

Suddenly, Naruto was pulled backwards out of the window, crashing straight through it in the process.

_(A/N: This is a reply to a review by Mizu Hime on the original Naruto News Show fanfic where Naruto was to be in danger on the set.) _

* * *

**The Life of Maito Gai's Spandex Emporium Voiceover! **

Gai was in a Blockbuster Video Store.

"Here's what I want! I'm interested in movies that involve **YOUTH! ETERMINATION! COURAGE!** And **BRUCE LEE!** I am also interested in **MARTIAL ARTS!** And **GREEN SPANDEXES!** And that's pretty much it."

* * *

**This Segment's Special Naruto Character's Pet is: **

**_Temari's E Coli! _**

* * *

**The Naruto Gang **

Naruto, Neji, Shikamaru and Kiba were sitting on a sofa.

"I'm not happy," said Neji. "In fact, I'm feeling paranoid. Everywhere I look around, there's always a sign reading, _'Everyone Hates Neji'_. On TV, _'Icha Icha'_ books. The lot."

Kiba smiled. "There's no reason to be paranoid, Neji. Everyone really do hate you."

Neji glares at Kiba.

"Don't worry, Neji," assured Naruto. "Once the fanfic is finished, we're planning on killing Inuzuka..."

Kiba now gives a death glare at Naruto.

"I mean...Inuyasha," corrected Naruto. "Right now."

* * *

**A few seconds later, at the Inuyasha set **

Naruto, Kiba, Neji and Shikamaru left behind a dead half-dog-demon with Kunais stabbed in his back.

"Alright, back to work," said Naruto.

**An Edit Later... **

Naruto, Neji, Shikamaru and Kiba were sitting on a sofa.

"Well, that's all we have for this episode of the Maito Gai Fanfiction Series," announced Neji. "But before we go, I want to try getting a number from that girl in the front row."

Neji walks to the audience, with Tenten sitting at the front row.

"Can you give me a phone number?" asked Neji.

Tenten shows out a sign, reading 'I hate Neji Hyuuga'.

"You're kidding me!"

* * *

**_The Final Special Naruto Character's Pet is: _**

**_Maito Gai's Haircut_**! _Excuse me?_

* * *

**End of Episode 7 **

_Gai's V/O: "This episode of **Maito Gai Fanfiction Series** was brought to you by **Maito Gai's Spandex Emporium**! We can't tell you our location because ANBU will burn our new place down. And it is also filmed live in front of a live studio audience in a different location for insurance fraud purposes." _

**Next Episode's summary:** Sasuke was rehearsing for a play with Naruto at the Uchihas. As Sasuke rehearses a line where a character secretly intends to murder his wife, Sakura accidentally heard and thinks that Sasuke is really planning on killing her. As soon as Naruto leaves, Sakura confronts Sasuke. Sasuke explains that he was trying out for a new play at Konoha Theater. In a freak accident or a coincidence that could only happen in an Anime, a tree fell through the house and crushed Sakura and Sasuke.


	8. Episode 8 or Finale

**Previously on the Maito Gai Fanfiction Series... **

Naruto was in the Konoha Convenience Store when he spots something out of the ordinary. Instant Ramen in the Pasta section. He quickly takes the ramen to the casher.

"Excuse me, but do you know that Instant Ramen is not pasta?"

The casher, Hinata, was surprised. "Oh, I didn't know that. But I can't really do anything about it."

"Yes you can," said Naruto. "After all, Pasta is Italian and Instant Ramen is Japanese"

* * *

**Now **

Naruto and Hinata were at Ichiraku's.

"Naruto-kun. Why do you want to tell the world that Instant Ramen is Japanese?" asked Hinata.

"Well, Hinata-chan. I never told anyone about this but it all started at this very ramen stop, 10 years ago..."

**10 years ago **

A Chibi Naruto was with his father having Ramen at Ichiraku's, 10 years earlier.

"The ramen is excellent, Teuchi," said Naruto's father.

A man in a black outfit with red clouds walks to the ramen shop.

"Yondaime-sama. You have to make a decision. You must sell the rights to Instant Ramen to the Italians or they will start to charge us protection money or maybe stop sending their businesses here."

"I will not allow a Japanese delicacy to leave this country," said the Yondaime.

"Then, you leave me no choice." Itachi takes out a kunai and stabs the Yondaime many times.

**To Be Continued... **

* * *

**Final Episode Summary:** Sasuke wants to learn how to draw as well as Sai, so he tries to draw a fox on paper. Unfortunately, Sasuke wasn't looking at what he was doing and he ends up drawing on the walls. Sasuke tries to get rid of the ink on the wall, but made it much worst. Sakura suggested that they should get someone to fix up the wall. Sakura looks through her endless pile of cards to find Kankuro's Character card. They are soon in shock as they find out that Kankuro likes to make his jobs long (at least a week) because he loves the walls. There is another problem as Kankuro likes to start at 5:30 am. Sasuke and Sakura tried to figure out how to get rid of Kankuro but can't as Sasuke looks like a jerk. Then, Kankuro charges **25, 000, 000 ryou** on a frying pan. It's a special golden magical frying pan that can make pancakes in less than a micro-second. Choji laughs at that and transforms in to a butterfly and flies away. Sasuke and Sakura were impressed and Kankuro runs away on a puppet horse.

* * *

Gai's voice-over: _"In an age if ninjas, scientists were amazed by a Kunoichi named Ino Yamanaka who possesses the ability to move coins and other small objects around a table."_

In a room, Ino was pushing some coins on a table with her hand as Professor Lee and Kiba watched. Then, she moves a bowl of ramen in between a Sake cup and a pair of chopsticks.

Gai's Voice-over: _"After a large array of tests, it has revealed that it was no hoax. The powers of this woman were real."_

Ino picks up a chair and moves it to another part of the room.

Gai's Voice-over: _"Not only Ino can move objects smaller than her, she cal also move objects of larger or equal size to her."_

Ino pushes Lee's desk.

Gai's Voice-over: _"Ino can also bend spoons."_

Ino takes a metal spoon and bends it using the side of a table.

Gai's Voice-over: _"After a week of intensive studying for the origins of Ino's mysterious powers, they one day disappeared just as mysteriously and suddenly vanish."_

Ino was sitting at the table with Lee and Kiba watching. Then, Ino stands up and leaves the room.

Gai's Voice-over: _"Ino was able to surprise the doctors studying her on one last experiment. After a discussion with her about the chance to return to her flowershop, Ino vanishes, to the amazement of the doctors."_

Kiba and Lee looked up; wanting to have a word with Ino, but Ino was not there. The two scientists were surprised.

Gai's Voice-over: _"Only to return seconds later to perform one final act of kinetic levitation before disappearing forever." _

Ino walks back into the room and picks up her hair clip before leaving the room. Kiba and Lee looked at each other.

Gai's Voice-over: _"The mystery known as Ino Yamanaka will forever be...oh fug nuggets. I forgot my lines."_

* * *

**LOST **

At the plane wreckage on a deserted island, a pregnant Tenten was screaming in labor as the other survivors were covering their ears. At that moment, Pilot Sasuke appeared, dressed in his ragged uniform.

"It's the pilot!" Neji cried out. "Maybe he knows how the plane crashed."

"It was horrible!" wailed pilot Sasuke.

"Oh no, he's going to have a flashback," exclaimed Tenten.

**Pilot Sasuke's Flashback **

Sasuke was flying the plane with Co-pilot Shikamaru doing nothing when Choji entered the cockpit with a jelly doughnut.

"Are we there yet?" asked Choji, as he takes a bite out of his jelly doughnut, squirting out some of the jelly onto Sasuke's face, blinding him and losing control of the plane.

"Ahhh! I'm blind!"

The plane spiral downwards towards the deserted island.

* * *

**Continuation of Naruto's life story **

The Yondaime was stabbed multiple times by Itachi.

"Dad!" Naruto screamed.

Itachi walked over the Yondaime's dead body and takes out a piece of paper, which happens to be the rights to Instant Ramen.

"The rights of Instant Ramen will now belong to the Italians," said Itachi before leaving Naruto with his dead father.

**10 Years Later **

Back at Ichiraku's Naruto finished his story and Hinata was crying.

"That was so sad. You lost your father over instant ramen in this store?"

Naruto nods. "Yes. As a reminder of that incident, I knitted myself a shirt made of Ramen." Naruto opens his orange jacket to reveal a shirt made out of Ramen that happens to last for a long time (its an Anime after all). "Anyway, all this talk about Ramen is making me hungry."

"Good idea, Naruto-kun."

As Naruto was about to call out Teuchi to order his Ramen, he spots something that was never in the shop in the first place. A box with a small flag of Italy.

"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" screamed Naruto. "How dare they dishonor my father? Especially in the very ramen shop that he was killed in."

Naruto stood up and Hinata tried to stop him. "I'm sorry, Hinata-chan, but I will not rest until I have regained my father's honor."

"I love you, Naruto-kun."

"I love you too, Hinata-chan."

Naruto walked into the kitchen, where Choji was opening boxes of Italian Instant Ramen.

"Hey, you can't come in here!" said Choji.

"Oh yeah? Well, since this place has **Italian Instant Ramen**, I might as well give my opinion. Ramen is not Italian, it's **Japanese**!"

Choji looks around for anyone else, and then he whispered to Naruto. "I know, but I'm only doing as I am told."

"That's not good enough!" screamed Naruto. "My father died in this store trying to protect a national treasure and it got stolen off him!"

"I see," said Choji. "But what are you going to do about it?"

Naruto takes out a sticker of a Japanese flag and sticks it on a box, covering the word **_'Italian'_**.

"That is what I'm going to do about it."

**To be continued... **

* * *

Sakura and Tenten were having some juice while sitting on a park bench. Suddenly, Shikamaru ran past the two kunoichis. 

"That's the first time I've seen Shikamaru running that quickly," said Sakura.

Tenten watched Shikamaru. "I wonder what got him on his feet."

Suddenly, Ino runs by wearing a hockey mask and a chainsaw, chasing after Shikamaru.

"That explains it," commented Sakura.

* * *

**Things that the dumbest Ninja shouldn't do. Number 105: Insulting the Fifth Hokage **

Neji was standing in front of Tsunade's desk.

"Is there anything you need to say to me, Neji?" asked Tsunade.

Neji nods. "Yes. I think you are a big fat stupid old bitch."

Neji was thrown out through the Hokage's high-rise office window.

* * *

Shikamaru makes a mad dash past Akazukin Hinata, on her way to visit her Naruto-kun. As HellMasker Ino runs past Hinata, Ino gives a high five to Hinata with the hand that is not carrying the chainsaw and continues chasing after Shikamaru. 

It turns out that under the red hooded cloak Hinata was wearing, she has a t-shirt reading, _'Hi-5 a Pokémon Trainer Day' _and Ino was wearing a t-shirt with a Pikachu on it.

_(Akazukin means Red Hood in Japanese and Hinata was wearing a red hooded cloak, like Red Riding Hood, as a reference to an anime called **'Akazukin Chacha'**. The name was just an effect, just like HellMasker Ino, a reference to Vincent Valentine's limit break from **'Final Fantasy 7'**.) _

* * *

Naruto enters Tenten's office. "You looking for me, Boss? 

"Yes, Naruto. Sit down."

Naruto sits in front of Tenten's desk. "I have been looking at your accounts and I was wondering...how did 300 million Ryou end up in the back seat of your car?"

Lee's Voice: _"Naruto stands up and pulls his pants down!"_

Naruto looks at Tenten. "I have no idea what you are talking about."

Lee's Voice: _"Tenten takes a pie and throws it at Naruto!"_

Tenten takes out Naruto's resume. "Well, if you had taken the liberty to look at your resume, which you haven't, I've learnt that there is not such thing as the **University**** of ****Otogakure**."

"Are you sure?" asked Naruto.

Tenten puts her hands together. "I'm sure as a..."

Ino's Voice: _"Somebody guesses the correct answer!"_

Tenten looks up at the audience. "Correct!"

Suddenly, the Final Fantasy Fanfare was played and Ino runs down from the audience to Tenten, who is now playing out of character.

"Congratulations. What is your name?" asked Tenten.

"Ino," answered Ino.

"No, I mean the role you're playing."

"Oh, it's Sakura," answered Ino.

"Well, Sakura, have you ever wanted to go to Paris?" asked Tenten.

Ino was surprised. "Really?"

"Nope. I just wanted to know," said Tenten. "What now?"

Lee's Voice: "Naruto goes to the next scene!"

Tenten shrugs. "Well, why not? Naruto, put your head into a round window."

**Guess the Punchline **

Naruto stands up and puts his face through a round window...

* * *

...only to find himself in a submarine, with Captain Kakashi writing in a logbook. 

_'Captain's Log. It's been three long weeks at sea and...' _

Naruto bursts into Kakashi's room. "Captain Kakashi, permission to be frank."

"I have no time for your impersonations," said Kakashi. "Get back to the bridge, Lt. Commander Naruto."

**Bridge **

Lieutenant Commander Naruto enters the bridge.

"The captain won't even talk to us," said Naruto. "He's just locked up in his room."

Sakura stood up in frustration. "That's it!" Lieutenant Junior Grade Sakura cried out. "We've been down here for too long! We have to get out of here."

"Sakura is right. Even my Ketchup is suffering." Ensign Sasuke picks up a ketchup bottle with the signs of stress on it.

Naruto looks at Sakura. "What are you suggesting, Lt. Junior Grade?" asked Naruto.

Sakura picks up a rule book and reads it. "Well, according to this, we can mutiny if the captain has gone bonkers."

Naruto quickly objected. "But that's mutiny!"

"Exactly. Who's with me?"

"Not my problem," said Naruto. "The captain may be many things, Sakura, but he's not you."

Sakura thought for a while, then said, "Naruto's right. Who's with me?"

**Captain's Cabin **

The crew burst into the captain's cabin where Captain Kakashi was writing onto his log. The crew quickly seized Kakashi.

"Captain Kakashi, We are assuming command of this vessel because you have gone bonkers," Sakura said.

Kakashi looked around at the crew. "What's the meaning of this? You are a disgrace to the naval forces. I'm twice your age and when I was your age, you were four times younger than most of you are now. I will write to Admiral Tsunade and mention this rebellion."

"In that case, put him in isolation without pen and paper," ordered Sakura.

"You can't do this!" yelled Kakashi. He looks at Sasuke. "Sasuke, I fought with you in that bar back in Konoha." Kakashi looks at the rest of the crew. "I'd bet you don't remember Orochimaru."

"Well, we've heard of her, obviously," said Petty Officer Tenten.

As the crew were about to escort Kakashi, the alarm and sirens began to ring.

"Is that what I think it is, Captain?" Ensign Neji asked.

Kakashi listened to the alarms. "Everyone, battle stations!" Kakashi ordered to the crew and they make their way to their posts.

**Bridge **

Kakashi entered the bridge, where Petty Officer Tenten, Lt. JG Sakura and Lt. Commander Naruto were working. "Talk to me, someone!"

"Oh, hi," said Tenten.

Sakura was at the helm. "Sir, we've ended up too close to Okinawa and we are under attack. Almost a hundred of our crew are injured. Five are being aided by medics. The rest are just minor characters."

Kakashi takes a radio.

"This is Captain Hatake Kakashi. Any torpedo damage down there?"

**Torpedo room **

Ensigns Sasuke and Neji were in the in a room filling up with water, with a spurt of water hitting Neji straight in the face.

"The torpedoes are fine, sir," Neji replied on the radio. "But water is filling up the room."

**Bridge **

"We are going down," said Sakura.

"Not unless I go down first. Prepare to dive!" Kakashi ordered.

Sakura was pressing some buttons when the alarm rang again. Naruto checks the monitor, and then calls out to Kakashi. "Captain, we got a Code Tuna Sandwich."

Kakashi sat on his seat. "In that case... Mr. Neji, load torpedoes into any available chambers. Mr. Sasuke, do a damage report. And while you're at it, could you try to invent a fluid made of oxygen that we can use? Lieutenant Commander Naruto and Lieutenant Junior Grade Sakura, you two are promoted to Commander and Lieutenant respectively because your names are too long to use in a situation like this."

Naruto and Sakura saluted Kakashi. "Thank you sir."

Kakashi leaves the bridge and Naruto followed. "Wait for me, Captain."

Naruto caught up with Kakashi and both walked down the corridor with random sailors rushing past the two.

"Bathroom's on the way," Naruto explained.

"Don't fart it up," said Kakashi.

The two split up as Naruto went into the bathroom and Kakashi walked towards the engine room.

**Engine room **

Sparks were flying and flames were burning the ceiling. Sasuke was trying warm his hands by the fire and its not really helping with the situation. Kakashi enters the room and Sasuke salutes his superior.

"Damage report, Ensign Sasuke."

" Sparks flying and things burning," reported Sasuke.

"Then we need to put out this fire ASAP," ordered Kakashi.

"Yes sir."

As Kakashi left the engine room, Sasuke picks up Tayuya's flute _(from a box reading 'Naruto Props') _and starts playing a flute solo at the fire, which is not really doing anything to the fire.

**Bridge **

Kakashi returned to the bridge when he got a message from Neji, who still has water squirting at his face.

"Torpedoes are now on standby, sir."

Sakura received a message. "Captain, we've just got this message from HQ. The War is over..."

"It's over when I say it is, Lieutenant. Fire!"

A torpedo was fired at a Magikarp Submarine (stock footage taken from Pokémon) and its occupants sent blasting off again.

**Later **

The crew brought in a birthday cake for Captain Kakashi in Kakashi's room and everyone was gathered for a celebration, with Sasuke and Neji sitting on chairs, Naruto and Kakashi sitting on Kakashi's bed and Sakura on the top bunk of the bed. Kakashi blew out the candles.

"Why thank you," Kakashi said. "But it's not my birthday."

"Let's just say that it is an apology for our mutiny," Naruto said.

"Thank you," Kakashi said. "But the real thanks should come from Ensign Sasuke..."

Sasuke nodded and said, "Yes. I've learnt that not everything can be solved with just elements and Ninjutsu. I've also learned that I must never set the torpedo room on fire. It won't do any good."

The crew cheered.

Petty Officer Tenten runs into the room. "Captain, Admiral Tsunade is here to thank you in person."

Admiral Tsunade entered Kakashi's room with aides Shino and Kiba.

"Thanks," said Tsunade, before she leaves the room with Shino and Kiba.

"Alright, Sakura, Naruto, return to the bridge. Neji and Sasuke, to the engine room and full speed ahead..."

"You mean?" asked Naruto.

"Of course not, you idiot," said Kakashi.

The crew saluted Kakashi and they left. Then, Kakashi takes a candle and starts to use it as a pen to write into his logbook.

_'Captain's log. The sea is a harsh mistress...and so is Asuma's wife, Kurenai.' _

* * *

Ino was in a busy **TokyoTV** Complaints Department. "**Tokyo TV**, hold the line, please." Ino switches to another line dealing with one complaint after another as Ino deals with a huge load of Kurenai/Asuma fans' complaints about Kakashi's comment. "**Tokyo TV**, hold the line, please. **Tokyo TV**, hold the line, please."

* * *

**The Uchiha Family **

At a secret location, Choji was beaten up by Itachi and Sasuke, both in black outfits.

"I don't know anything!" yelled Choji.

"Liar," said Sasuke. "Someone is trying to tell the world that we have sold the rights to Instant Ramen to the Italians."

"Tell us, or you're going to get the 'Moon'," said Itachi.

"Alright, it was some blonde kid who loves his Ramen," answered Choji.

Sasuke looked at Itachi. "Brother, this Blonde kid will ruin everything we have done."

Itachi nods. "I know. I never thought that the Yondaime's son would try to stop us. We're going to kill him."

**To be continued **

* * *

At Ichiraku's, Submarine Commander Naruto has got himself 5 bowls of Ramen. 

Meanwhile, at the nearby pharmacy, Ino was looking at girl's personal stuff when Temari walks up to her.

"Ino! I can see that you are growing up!"

Ino gives a strange look at Temari as if she has hit her head or something. "Excuse me?"

"I bet you're here to find out why you're peeing blood!"

Ino was shocked. _'Holy Crap! Did she have to say that in the open!'_

"Come on, Ino. I'll show you the latest tampon products..."

_'I got to get out of here, fast!'_ Ino quickly looks around the store for some way to change the subject. Unfortunately, being in the section full of different women's personal products isn't helping her situation. Ino realized that she has no choice. As Temari was still talking away, Ino finds a black box with a red button and she presses it.

* * *

Kakashi happens to be searching for the latest issue of the Icha Icha series when he receives Ino's distress signal.

* * *

Temari was still going on about the miracles of puberty. "And not to mention that it's a sign that you are growing up." 

Temari suddenly feels as if someone was behind her. The turns around to see Kakashi.

"I can kiss my own elbows. Watch." As Kakashi tries to kiss his elbows, somehow, Temari finds the situation awkward.

"Maybe I should go somewhere else, Ino." Temari walks off.

_'Finally._' As Kakashi continues trying to kiss his elbows, Ino finally finds the things she needs. "Toothpaste for me and condoms for Shika-kun."

As Ino leaves, Kakashi was still trying to kiss his elbows. "I know I can do this."

* * *

**Things that the dumbest Ninja shouldn't do. Number 91: Imitating that stupid Crazy Frog Ring Tone **

Naruto was naked while pretending to ride a motorbike, while making motorbike noises from his mouth.

* * *

**The Life of Maito Gai's Spandex Emporium Voiceover! **

Gai was in a Fanfiction website's main office speaking with Hinata behind the counter..

"I love **FANFICS**! I'm interested in **FANFICS** that involve **YOUTH! ETERMINATION! COURAGE!** And **BRUCE LEE!** I am also interested in **MARTIAL ARTS!** And **GREEN SPANDEXES**! And look at all those **RATINGS! K! K PLUS! M! T! MA**!"

"Err, sir, we do not have MA fanfics," said Hinata.

"**REALLY**?" Gai looks around. "How about **SCRIPT** fanfics?"

Hinata shakes her head.

"Well...I'd better get going."

* * *

An embarrassed Gai walked out of the office, down a flight of stairs into a storeroom, where Neji, Tenten and Lee were hiding, trying to forget their embarrassing moments (due to events in Episode 3 and 4).

* * *

Neji was with Naruto, who was at the driver's seat of a van. Neji looks at Naruto's driver's licence. "I notice your driver's license requires you to wear glasses, but I can see that you're not wearing any glasses." 

"I've got contacts," said Naruto.

"I don't care who you know. You're caught. Move the van," said Neji.

* * *

Then, at a desk, Sakura and Sasuke were looking and laughing with the audience as Sasuke was shuffling his papers in front of him as Sasuke and Sakura look at each other.

* * *

**Another Gameshow Segment **

A new gameshow segment is here. Itachi and Kisame walked out of the studio as a protest against the new gameshow segment.

Tenten was with Lee at the Gameshow segment in front of a numbered wheel with Gai's face on it.

"Welcome back," said Tenten. She looks at the contestant. "Lee. I'm sure you had some time to think about it. If you leave us now, it is with a fabulous **5th edition Naruto Volume 1 Manga** that you do not appear in and 50 Ryou. Remember, Lee. You're our lowest scoring winner. You're only out here because the real winner, Asuma, was struck by lightning..."

* * *

**Earlier... **

Asuma was at the Konoha Studio car park having a smoke when lightning struck him.

* * *

"...while having a smoke in the car park and the runner up, Kurenai, had rabies..."

* * *

**Meanwhile, at ****Konoha** **Hospital**

Kurenai was being dragged off by the doctors as her mouth was filling up with foam.

* * *

"...after one of her students' accidentally bit her when she ate the dog's meat bun," explained Tenten. "Now, you are very lucky to be here, Lee. You have answered no questions correctly tonight, you attempted only one and your answer, _'Gai is the greatest,'_ does not count. You told me earlier that you were frozen with fear for most of the rounds and you nearly soiled yourself in another. If you keep on playing, you will surely be eliminated by tomorrow's contestants. We do not want you here, Lee. Our producers have picked questions on Genjutsu and Ninjutsu and the Taijutsu questions have been rigged for you to get wrong. You have no chance of winning, Lee. What is your answer?" 

Lee gave it a bit of thought. "Alright, I will come back."

Tenten scratches the back of her head. Lee sure is dense. "Anyway, now, if you spin the Wheel of Gai, you will see a prize that you could technically win. Could it be the holiday? The new house? It could be any number of items on the Wheel of Gai. So come on up."

"Hopefully, it could be a year's supply of hair spray," said Lee.

An awkward silence. Tenten looks at the wheel. "Alright, spin the wheel, Lee."

Lee gives the wheel a weak spin, only for Tenten to stop it.

"I asked for a big spin, Lee," said Tenten. "What sort of spin was that?"

"It was a little spin."

"It seems very puny for a spin," said Tenten.

Lee shrugs. "Yeah, it seems kinda puny for a spin."

"So, give it a super spin, if you can, Lee."

Lee uses all his strength to spin the wheel. The wheel continuously spins faster and faster, until its screws came loose and flies straight into a wall.

"Well, there goes our budget for next season," said Tenten.

* * *

**LOST **

At the plane wreck, pregnant Tenten was screaming while Neji was pacing around.

"Oh no!" screamed Tenten. "I think I'm going to get my flashback!"

Neji ran to Tenten. "No, Tenten! You've already had one I haven't got to my Flashback yet!"

Tenten looked at Neji. "Well, my flashback has way better story than yours, Neji."

Naruto walked to the Plane Wreckage. "Oh, the wait is intense. Every episode, at least one character has to disappear." Naruto looks around. "Choji! I need your help to search for the other survivors."

Behind the plane wreck, Choji was eating off the arm of a corpse. "Give me a few seconds, Naruto!" Choji took a couple of bites from the arm, before tossing the arm into a pile of partially eaten survivors in order to follow Naruto. Now we know how the fat guy keeps himself fat.

* * *

**The Assassination **

Naruto and Hinata were walking down the streets of Konoha. Unknown to the couple, the brothers Uchiha were scoping for their target.

"I've found him," said Itachi. "He looks so much like his father. It's too bad that he didn't join my side." Itachi looks at his brother. "Little brother, hand me my kunai."

Sasuke shakes his head as he held the kunai. "No, I want to throw the kunai."

"No, you're inexperience, so I have a better chance of killing Naruto." Itachi forcefully tries to pull the kunai off Sasuke. "Let...it go!"

The brotherly struggle has caused the kunai to fly out of both brothers hands. The weapon rebounded off a lamppost, off a fence, bounced off a wall, knocks over a domino, leading to a domino effect, knocking over Shikamaru's dominos as he tries to go for an Asian Record attempt at largest number of Dominos to be knocked over ("Oh no!" screamed Shikamaru.) The kunai hits a pendulum and flies into Tsunade's office. The kunai hits and bounces off the walls in the office as Tsunade works on her paper work, completely ignoring the flying weapon and Tsunade dodged the weapon easily (she the Hokage, after all). The kunai zips past Sasuke, placing a long cut on Sasuke's shorts, revealing Sasuke's pink underwear to the world (because Itachi placed his reds with Sasuke's whites in the wash). Finally, the kunai hits Naruto straight at the heart.

"Naruto-kun!"

Naruto fell backwards and Hinata quickly catch him.

"Are you hurt, Naruto-Kun?" asked Hinata, as she holds Naruto's head up.

"Tell the...world...that...Instant Ramen...is...not...Pasta..."

**To be continued **

* * *

Neji was with Naruto, who was at the driver's seat of a van. Neji looks at Naruto's driver's licence. "I notice you are in a fanfic skit that has no punchline." 

"That is correct," said Naruto.

"Well then, carry on," said Neji.

Naruto drives off.

* * *

**Gai and Order **

Starring, Written, Produced and Directed by Maito Gai.

* * *

In a courtroom, Judge Sakura was watching District Attorney Gai was doing a handstand at his table, next to his assistant, ADA Tenten. "And I rest my case, my honor." 

Judge Kakashi was giving a look at Gai.

"In my chambers, DA Gai," Kakashi ordered as he hits the gavel.

* * *

Kakashi tosses his mallet on his desk. "Gai, you're turning my courtroom into a circus!" 

"But Kakashi!" protested Gai. "I was just trying to look out for the personnel interests of my clients! You were a lawyer once, or were you?" Gai accusingly points at Kakashi.

At that instant, Tenten opens a door, hitting Gai from behind. "You guys better come out quick! Pandemonium's on the loose and it's not looking pretty out there."

Gai runs out of Judge Kakashi's office into a crowded corridor, only to find District Attorney Neji near a doorway, with a fatal stab wound.

"Oh no! Neji!" Gai runs to Neji.

"It's Naruto...he has gotten loose and he has stabbed me."

Gai checks Neji's knife wound. "It's blood...your blood."

Neji grabs Gai's collar. "We may have been on different sides of the law, DA Gai, but I will always treat you like a brother. A brother-in-law." Neji succumbs to his wound.

Then Officer Lee appeared in the empty corridor, holding a blonde man in an orange jumpsuit.

"I've just caught Naruto trying to climb down a drainpipe."

At that instant, Naruto steals Lee's baton. "Everyone don't move!"

Gai slowly walked to Naruto. "Calm down, Naruto. Give me the baton."

"Sure." Naruto gives the baton to Gai.

"Hit him, Gai!" cried Tenten, hoping that Neji's death would be avenged.

Gai shakes his head. "No," said Gai. "Even criminals like Naruto must face a fair trial, like you, me or everybody else. Including Neji, if he wasn't dead."

Everyone looked at Neji who appears to be playing dead.

"Who will defend him?" asked Tenten.

"I will," said Gai. "First of all, Kakashi, take off your clothes." Kakashi starts to undress himself. "The rest of you, into the courtroom."

Kakashi was removing his shirt as everyone except for Neji makes their way into court.

"Come on, Kakashi," said Gai. "Anytime this century. Maybe you should do a dance?"

"What kind of dance?" asked Kakashi, as he was trying to remove his pants, while hopping backwards. Neji quickly moved his legs to prevent Kakashi from tripping over.

"I dunno. The Hatake?" said Gai. "That looks like the Hatake."

Kakashi trips over as both Neji and Gai watched.

"I didn't even hit him," Gai said to no one in particular as Neji looked at Kakashi's fallen body.

* * *

**The Court Case **

The Jury consists of Choji, Sakura, Sasuke, Ino, Shikamaru, Kiba, Shino, Asuma, Kurenai, Iruka and Shizune dressed as soccer players with Hinata as the coach holding the sport drinks. Judge Kakashi was only wearing his underwear.

Gai cross-examines Officer Lee, while holding a smoking pipe.

"Officer Gai. Where were you at the time and the place we specified in the pre-written script?"

"Objection!" objected ADA Tenten.

"Overruled and to be removed from the record!" yelled Gai.

"Sustained, DA Gai!" said Kakashi.

Gai sits next to Naruto. "Don't worry, I have an ace up my hole," Gai said as he tosses a book at a glass of water, knocking the glass off the table. "Oops."

* * *

**The Final Statement **

Gai was smoking a pair of sunglasses in front of the Soccer Jury. "Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jewelry. We live in the age of Ninjas and if it a crime for my client to kill a man in cold blood, then he is guilty of murder. But if it's not a crime, then he isn't. The End."

Gai walks back to Naruto and whispered to him. "It's looking good."

Kakashi gives his verdict. "I sentence you to death." Kakashi whacks the gavel and Gai shrugs.

"Oh well."

* * *

Tenten walks out of the courtroom and sees Neji alive and well with his left arm in an arm sling. 

"Tenten, I'm alive," said Neji.

Tenten hugs Neji. "Oh Neji." Then, she looks at Neji. "I think you'd better apologize to Gai."

"Right." Neji opens a door and walks through it...

* * *

**The 78th Naruto News Show Awards! **

...only for Neji to end up in a studio with his right arm in an arm sling.

"What the hell?" mumbled Neji.

Lee was doing a handstand, and Kiba was sitting on a sofa while Naruto and Shikamaru were at the front wearing a formal jacket, shirt and bow tie. The other Naruto characters were in the audience.

"Welcome to **the 78th Annual Naruto News Show Awards**!" announced Naruto.

"That's right. Before we go on, it's time for us to give away our first Award."

Shikamaru opens an envelope. "And the award for **best fanfic with the lack of OCs and Minor Character** goes to PikaFlash, through the use of special Computer Graphics to compensate for the lack of OCs and Minor characters by using fake cardboard cutouts of characters from other Animes. And to collect the award is PikaFlash's Pikachu."

A cardboard cutout of a Pikachu on a skateboard appeared from Neji's door and Naruto hands the award to Pikachu, who has no hands (or paws) to collect the award, so the award just fell to the floor and the cardboard cutout Pikachu on the skateboard was pulled away by Neji.

"But, let's not forget the runner up for this award, who happens to be Orochimaru," said Naruto. "Anyway, here comes the most important award of them all. The **Award for Best Cosplayer**! And the nominees are...

**Hinata, dressed as Uzumaki Naruto **

**Temari, dressed as Rikku **

**Tenten, dressed as Chun-Li **

**Shino, dressed as Auron **

**Choji, dressed as Ash Ketchum **

**Ino, dressed as Uchiha Sasuke **

**Sakura, dressed as Uchiha Sasuke **

**And finally, Sasuke, dressed as Uchiha Sasuke with a plastic bag over his face **

Naruto opens the envelope. "And the winner is Sasuke, dressed as Sasuke with a plastic bag over his face!"

Sasuke walked on stage, with a plastic bag over his face. Definitely the best Cosplayer voted by the awards that have been rigged in the first place. Sasuke collects his award, surprising everyone else (except for Ino and Sakura, as expected). His only costume, the plastic bag over his face to hide his face from any fangirls in the audience.

* * *

Shikamaru, Ino, Naruto, Hinata, Neji and Tenten were having dinner at Ichiraku's. 

"It's sure nice for you to take us to this nice restaurant that makes Italian ramen, Naruto," said Ino.

"It's not Italian, Ino. It's Japanese Ramen," corrected Naruto.

Ino spat soup at Naruto's face.

Shikamaru drinks the alcohol. "This drink taste familiar? What kind of alcohol is it?"

"Deer piss," answered Neji.

Shikamaru spat the drink at Neji over a distance.

"I was kidding," said Neji. "It's was from Tenten's hidden stash."

Tenten spat out her drink at Neji. "You stole my hidden drinks?"

"Let's not argue over this, cousin Neji," said Hinata. "After all, you two boys sure are getting close to each other."

Naruto, Shikamaru and Ino spat a mixture of Ramen soup and alcohol on Hinata, Neji and Tenten.

"Guys, I got some important news," said Tenten. She unties her hair. "I'm really a woman."

Neji, Naruto, Hinata, Ino and Shikamaru spat liquids at Tenten.

"That means that I was not gay in the first place," said Neji. That earned him a spray of liquid from Ino, Naruto, Shikamaru and Hinata.

_Kiba's voice: "Actually, I think you're gay!" _

"Hey, shut up, you lap dog!" yelled Neji.

_Kiba's voice: "Yes, Master!" _

The other five spat their drinks at Neji.

Ino stood up. "Guys, I also got some important news. I'm pregnant…"

No one spat out anything at Ino.

"…with a deer."

Everyone else sprayed ramen soup, noodles and alcohol on Ino.

"Come to think of it, I do sometimes dress myself like a deer," said Shikamaru.

Suddenly, Tenten spat on Neji, Neji spat on Hinata, Hinata spat on Naruto, Naruto spat on Ino and Ino spat on Shikamaru. Shikamaru spits back at Ino.

* * *

**The Maito Gai Fanfiction Series **

_(Final Episode) _

**_By PikaFlash _**

Disclaimers: As usual, all characters, scenes, songs, ideas and famous speeches belong to their respective owners.

**End of the Maito Gai Fanfiction Series **

A/N: But for those who want to find out of Naruto survives the kunai attack by the Uchiha brothers, here it is.

* * *

**The Conclusion **

As Hinata held the injured Naruto, Naruto pulled out the kunai and opened his jacket. The ramen shirt protected Naruto.

"I was lucky that the hot and dry weather harden my Ramen shirt, giving me kunai-proof armor," explained Naruto.

"Oh, Naruto-kun!" Hinata hugged Naruto. "I almost lost you!"

"Same here, Hinata-chan."

Then, Kakashi asks, "It must be a miracle for a shirt made out of Italian pasta to act as a Kunai-proof shirt."

Hinata and Naruto looked at Kakashi. "It's not Italian Pasta," corrected NaruHina in unison. "It's Japanese Noodles."


End file.
